I need Advice

[BITEME]

So here is one for you

 

I need some guidance

Im going way out on a limb here and I do so because I have met tons of great people here and feel as though im part of an extended Family

 

I have known for a long time that my son likes boys. That is okay with me I have no problem with that its nature and it is what it is. What I'm having a real problem with is the fact that now he is dating. Now dont read anything into this because im only asking for advice on my end he's got his end figured out. I'm old school and for me this type of open sexuality did not take place when I was younger sure it was going on but it was in the closet so to speak. Im trying to get my head around the snuggling and kissing thing which to be honest even on TV gives me the sort of hebegebees. I love my son and want all the best for him and I really would like to get past this feeling but I dont know if I can its so far ingrained in my physce. Any suggestions on this would be great. Im not looking for any comments from those that are anti gay but insight from anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with the same thing.

If I lose friends by this which I am told is often the case so be it. You werent worth the effort anyway.

 

Peter

[irishfield]

Peter.. you've got the right attitude. Sit down.. have a yack and tell him you wouldn't tolerate him openly "petting" with a female in front of you at home either. Tell him there's a time and place for it.. and it isn't in a living room full of family members.

[jediangler]

I can't offer you any advice, but your son is very lucky to have an understanding father who will love him unconditionally. That's the whole battle right there. I would think the hebegeebees are natural, I know I have to change the channel any time I see that. Maybe try to explain to him how uncomfortable it makes you. Very brave of you to ask for help here and I agree that friends that shun your family because of this weren't real friends anyway.

[charlied]

He should respect you and your home. As Irish said you should sit him down and tell him he needs to respect you and your house. He may get upset and say its only cause he is gay, so expect him to get upset. I hope you can get thru this cause that is a really tough situation you have. Hopefully he is mature enough to not blow this out of proportion. Good luck!

[Gerritt]

Peter,

 

You need to be there for your son...He needs to know his dad is there for him regardless of his sexual orientation.. but in order to do that you need to be right with it yourself.. While you may or may not agree with his orientation... it is his choice and there is nothing you can do about it. I can understand the mental picture you are painting, and I can see how it would be bothersome... perhaps talking to a professional might help you through it...

 

Sometimes we have images in our minds of the way things are supposed to be... and when they go against that thought it can be hard to deal with..

 

I had a gay uncle, I too had issue with his choice at a younger age... all the typical stereotypes ran though my mind.. but at the end of the day they were my issues with his choice... not my choice with his issues...

 

sadly my Uncle is long gone.. HIV/Aids...

 

Promote safe sex with your son, and I hope you can get past this because you both lose if you dont.

 

G

[Headhunter]

I won't hazard any advice Peter, but I do respect the way you are intending to handle what must be a very difficult situation.

I expect others will maintain a sense of decorum here.

HH

[bassjnkie]

You do have the right attitude and it's great you can accept your son the way he is. Major thing here is to talk to your son and nicely explain to him that you are comfortable with his choice and the dating. But the affection part (kissing, snuggling, etc... around the family needs more time to get used to. I am sure he will understand.

 

Hope this helps

Daniel

[aplumma]

While I grew up the rule was until I was responsible enough to marry then I was not allowed to do the married life in my parents house. Even after I left home and visited with my fiance we slept in separate rooms. After he is at the point that he has the ability to financially and emotionally support another person and is in his own house then he needs to respect your rules. I am not saying that I did not have relationships with ladies till I was married but I did not thrust it into the lime light of the family's world out of respect for their beliefs and feelings. I think you also might think about counseling with both of you at the meeting so a mutual agreement can be reached with a 3rd party moderating the discussion.

 

 

Art

[Beans]

What Art sez Peter...and I hope things work out well...

[OhioFisherman]

Chill, I haven`t always agreed with my son`s or daughter`s actions. None have gone there, but the same principal. How is it your fault? Don`t understand why friends would feel different, we have some friends with gay family members. What they do at home is their business, still our friends and they can`t control others choices.

 

My two older daughters moved out shortly after high school, they understood that what they wanted to do might have a real tough time happening here. They know they are always welcome here, but their baggage is suspect.

 

Their choices have been their choices, tried to raise them right and teach them personal responsibility, I don`t pay for their mistakes, mentally or physically.

 

I usually remove the welcome mat for most when they show no signs of respect, or get themselves into a situation where their issues may follow them here. They signed up for that, not me.

[Big Cliff]

My first reaction was that your post reminded me of a statement I had to make to my daughter once a long time ago. "I might not like what you are doing with your life right now but I will always love and respect you", "All I ask of you is that you also respect me and my feelings equally". She thought about it and agreed and today we have a wonderful relationship, funny how mutual respect can do that for you!

 

We work so hard to bring our children up to think for themselves, to explore new frontiers, to dare to dream and to not place boundries on themselves. Sometimes they don't always follow the paths that we do and sometimes that can be hard for us to accept although you seem to have done an admiral job of doing just that. You won't loose any friends over this, anyone that couldn't understand wouldn't have been a true friend anyway!

 

I can't tell you what you should say to your son other than be honest, be loyal, and respect him and ask him to do the same with you.

 

If you both do that, then you will both continue to grow and build a strong, warm, and loving relationship.

 

Sometimes it is hard work but nothing good ever came from sitting around crying or wishing!

 

Just my $0.02 worth.

[misfish]

Love him like you have all his life. He is your son.Cant say I would be pleased if this were my son,but life deals us these things,maybe to see how strong we are as a human. The lord above, is a very powerful force,maybe he has your answer. You be amazed how praying and asking can be.

 

 

Thats my piece on that.

[holdfast]

Chill, I haven`t always agreed with my son`s or daughter`s actions. None have gone there, but the same principal. How is it your fault? Don`t understand why friends would feel different, we have some friends with gay family members. What they do at home is their business, still our friends and they can`t control others choices.

 

My two older daughters moved out shortly after high school, they understood that what they wanted to do might have a real tough time happening here. They know they are always welcome here, but their baggage is suspect.

 

Their choices have been their choices, tried to raise them right and teach them personal responsibility, I don`t pay for their mistakes, mentally or physically.

 

I usually remove the welcome mat for most when they show no signs of respect, or get themselves into a situation where their issues may follow them here. They signed up for that, not me.

 

I agree with both Charlied and Ohio with out being any kind of a soft heart. Its your House, Your self respect, Your son, Your rules. Hes got to respect you as well as you to him. Unfortunately kids no matter what gender and age usually forget that. I'M going through a bit of a phase myself with my daughter. She just had a kid at 17 and as far as I'm concerned just ruined her life. She was actually going through the RCMP at the time when she found out she was pregnant. I told her I didnt want to see the father because I would kill him although Ive met him and actually kind of liked him though hes too immature to be any kind of father. Daughter wanted to live with him but that lasted a month, as I told her it wouldn't work. My Grandson is starting to grow on me and my Daughter for some unknown reason is starting to mature abit by helping around the house. I guess you just got to get used to things and hope that you can come up with a compromise. LOL I told her that I wouldn't kill her Boyfriend anymore unless he dis-respects me in my house. My point is compromise. I had to shake my head when I told my wife I couldnt serve him alchohol at thanksgiving unless I got his parents permission. Bite-me, Things will work out as he will always be your son no matter what. Who cares what anybody thinks anyways.

Edited November 17, 2008 by holdfast

[Big Cliff]

Holdfast, lighten up my friend, my daughter had a baby when she was 17, today I have a beautiful granddaughter, with a wonderful mother, a daughter who ended up with a wonderful man, a granddaughter with a fantastic step father and a man I am very pleased to call my son-in-law.

 

Don't waste a single minute of your life letting the little things bother you, cherish the seconds!

[solopaddler]

Not much I can add to the advice that's been offered.

You're a brave man indeed to ask this question publicly and you've got my respect.

 

Good luck

[steverowbotham]

What charlied and holdfast said is pretty harsh.

 

Here's my experience.

 

I started dating my girlfriend 4 years ago, and the first time I met her brother I knew he was a little fairy like. Having never been around that before, I was kind of wierded out by it. I didnt talk to him much, but as time went on, what's ups? turned into full conversations. He's a super nice guy, he just likes guys. 2 years ago, he finally admitted it to me, his sister and his mom, but not his dad. He was very worried to tell his dad not knowing what he would have to say, he was his only son, and his dad is a big burly firefighter MAN. He has since been "dating" and again, that was kind of wierd, but after getting to know his "friends", they are all normal people, its just a choice that they make differently. I completely disagree with the "your house, your rules he has to respect it thing." Let it be. He is happy that way. If the snuggling bothers you, maybe get up and leave (we never had that problem as he stays in his room most of the time anyways). What you do need to do is talk to him about it and make sure he kn ows its okay and that you love him. Dont try and talk him out of it or he will hate you, accept it and let him know that you accept it.

[Daplumma]

Peter,how old is your son?Does he still live in your house?There was none of that snuggling,petting and kissing in my house when my daughter lived here.If he is out on his own then you risk pushing him away,if he lives in your home then you can say that it is not appropriate behavior,male or female.Its not the end of the world as long as he is a good human being.

Joe

[OhioFisherman]

holdfast, my second oldest daughter, 19 at the time did some time in prison for aggravated vehicular assault (DWI). I was in no way involved, and luckily so.

 

It didn`t stop the people she injured from trying to come after me though. It would take more than a note from an underage kids parents for me to serve them any form of intoxicant.

 

She didn`t get it here, didn`t drink it here, wasn`t driving one of our cars, or her own. They went thru the whole chain looking for cash, and deserved it, but it wasn`t my problem.

[BUSTER]

stay strong bro

[holdfast]

Holdfast, lighten up my friend, my daughter had a baby when she was 17, today I have a beautiful granddaughter, with a wonderful mother, a daughter who ended up with a wonderful man, a granddaughter with a fantastic step father and a man I am very pleased to call my son-in-law.

 

Don't waste a single minute of your life letting the little things bother you, cherish the seconds!

I agree

[holdfast]

holdfast, my second oldest daughter, 19 at the time did some time in prison for aggravated vehicular assault (DWI). I was in no way involved, and luckily so.

 

It didn`t stop the people she injured from trying to come after me though. It would take more than a note from an underage kids parents for me to serve them any form of intoxicant.

 

She didn`t get it here, didn`t drink it here, wasn`t driving one of our cars, or her own. They went thru the whole chain looking for cash, and deserved it, but it wasn`t my problem.

I know what your saying. I was joking with my wife when I told her about his parents permission. I was hoping she would get the Irony of things. One thing I learned about being away so many times and for long length of time. You got to compromise, sometimes you got to Bite your lip. If man is not King of his castle, has no, or gets no respect, than why is he there. Cant imagine the Kids and wife not respecting the sacrifices a father makes. I'm not trying to be harsh, just saying. When I was a kid, and I visited other kids in their homes. I had respect in their homes, even though I seen kids walk all over their parents. Why, because I was taught that way. Public Snuggling and kissing was just not in the Holdfast family background. I was taught it was in-appropriate. Sorry Bite-me I'M not trying to Hijack this thread.

[Bernie]

I would be disappointed if it were my son Peter and would have a hard time dealing with it as well. But raising 4 kids myself I have learned that life is way too short to lose out on the love of anyone. I believe all family's go through trials and tribulations and to get through them we need to stick together. I have even learned to be civil to those I don't care for and try to understand their point of view. I would not have learned all this to the extent I do now without my youngest son who is mentally challenged. He has taught me more than anyone or anything.

Be happy that he is healthy and that he still loves you as you love him.

[Greencoachdog]

I would say to ask your son for the courtesy of discretion on the public displays of affection.

[TJQ]

Peter.. you've got the right attitude. Sit down.. have a yack and tell him you wouldn't tolerate him openly "petting" with a female in front of you at home either. Tell him there's a time and place for it.. and it isn't in a living room full of family members.

 

I agree... (I think its the first time....)

 

 

I won't hazard any advice Peter, but I do respect the way you are intending to handle what must be a very difficult situation. I expect others will maintain a sense of decorum here.

 

I agree....

 

Not much I can add to the advice that's been offered. You're a brave man indeed to ask this question publicly and you've got my respect.

 

I agree...

 

 

Be happy that he is healthy and that he still loves you as you love him.

 

I agree...

 

Your a tough dude.. you'll be fine... just don't over react or yell.... keep calm and NO YELLING... and you'll be fine.

[JohnF]

So here is one for you

 

I need some guidance

Im going way out on a limb here and I do so because I have met tons of great people here and feel as though im part of an extended Family

 

I have known for a long time that my son likes boys. That is okay with me I have no problem with that its nature and it is what it is. What I'm having a real problem with is the fact that now he is dating. Now dont read anything into this because im only asking for advice on my end he's got his end figured out. I'm old school and for me this type of open sexuality did not take place when I was younger sure it was going on but it was in the closet so to speak. Im trying to get my head around the snuggling and kissing thing which to be honest even on TV gives me the sort of hebegebees. I love my son and want all the best for him and I really would like to get past this feeling but I dont know if I can its so far ingrained in my physce. Any suggestions on this would be great. Im not looking for any comments from those that are anti gay but insight from anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with the same thing.

If I lose friends by this which I am told is often the case so be it. You werent worth the effort anyway.

 

Peter

 

I just quickly scanned ahead and you've already got lots of good support and advice. Sounds to me like you already know what to do, just aren't sure how to go about it. Your son has come to terms with his sexuality from the sounds of things. Now it's your turn. Be supportive and positive. That may well include suggesting gently that public displays of affection sometimes make others uncomfortable and he should try to see himself and his partners through other eyes and ask himself if he's sending the kind of message he wants to send. I find that even hetero couples can be less than proper in public and I don't distinguish between 'em when I take offence. I once upon a time ran a bar that for some reason became popular as a gay hangout. That was great because gay men are generally much more entertaining and interesting than us hairy-chested fart machines. To this day I have several good friends who are openly gay and it's totally a non-issue between us. In fact, one of them makes the best martinis ever, also brews the best tea. I'd rather spend an evening first in the company of a beautiful woman, then a gay man or two, and finally any of you guys. In terms of conversation and entertainment value women and gays have it all over you guys.

 

Since he's come out of the closet I think it's time for you to acknowledge that to him, and also to give him some advice as a somewhat objective observer. Sometimes there's so much relief to "coming out" that they tend to overdo it a bit, or a lot. Those with style just take it in stride and carry on with the same set of behavioural standards the rest of us have to live by. In blunt terms why draw attention by acting out anti-socially if you're not anti-socially inclined? That's a conversation best approached with diplomacy and a clear head, but if done right it can show him you respect him and are concerned about how the world will come to know him. In really crude terms, does he want to seen as a screeching very good dresser or as a mature responsible 21st century gay male. Gays are old news now. He doesn't have to fight the battle all over again. Just be himself and respect himself and look to you to do the same.

 

In closing I'll just add this one thing. I envy you. Not for your open-mindedness and acceptance, but for having your son still alive and there for you to talk to and share things with. One of our two sons was killed in a car accident at age 18. We all miss him terribly, even after 14 years. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you lost your son that way.

 

All the best with your own adjustment process. On the basis of your post I'm pretty sure you're going to be fine. The fact that you're willing to ask for help instead of hiding it is a huge step.

 

JF