Neighbourly Advice

[mattybculp]

Hello all,

 

I have recently had some things pop up with my neighbour that are a little concerning and I wanted to ask the board how they would address it. I will give you some backround info My wife and I, 33, live in a rural subdivision with a corner approx. 1/2 acre lot maybe a little smaller. On one side is the road the other side of our property a fence dividing our neighbouring property. Neighbours are 45 year old son, and 75 year old mother (ages are approximate). Who are for the most part good neighbours. We have lived there a year and I have never really spoken to the mother and have engaged in friendly short banter like "howdy neighbour" etc.( we have never shared a beer or anything), he has a terrible speech impediment which really flares up when we speak, but is not there when he speaks to my wife, but I have never had a problem or concern with them as neighbours. My wife for the last little bit has been saying that she's a little uncomfortable and creeped out by him, as he approaches her in conversation. I of course say to her calm down, he's a nice guy its all in your head etc. I was away this weekend, attending meetings, and when I do I switch vehicles with my mom as we have a couple SUVs and her vehicle is easier on gas. So I get home Saturday night, tired, and looking for a good night sleep. Sunday Morning rolls around 7:45-8:00 AM I'm laying in bed with the window open cause we haven't turned the AC on yet and he walks into my backyard standing almost directly under my bedroom window, my wife is 65 feet on the other side of the property as she stays away from that side of the property letting our two pooches out . He engages her in conversation which she is clearly not wanting to participate in as she just woke 10 mins earlier, by only giving one word answers, but being kind. He mentions about vehicles coming and going out of my driveway and that mine was missing a couple days and that there was a different vehicle there curious as to who it belonged to. ( no he is not concerned that we have a lot of traffic coming and going, rarely do we have company as we do most of the travelling to visit) She basically just said have a good day and came in side.

 

I honestly believe we are decent and respectful neighbour, as well as considerate and compassionate human beings, and always give the benefit of the doubt to the other guy. That being said we are private people who enjoy our space. We are planning on starting a family, we love the community, and plan to stay for a long while.

 

I am concerned a little about him taking note on when vehicles come and go and makes of vehicles, as that to me that is a little strange, But what I am not ok with is him coming over and walking into my backyard. I went over to address the situation at Noon that Sunday but even though his vehicle was there, there was no answer at the door. I have begun drafting up a letter being as kind but clear as I can about what my boundaries are and what i'm comfortable with. I don't want to hurt feelings, or upset anyone, and would like to have a good distant relationship with my neighbour, I just wanted to know how any of the members have dealt with neighbors with intentions of maintaining a harmonious relationship. Perhaps he will read it on here and that will be that. I appreciate you thoughts and replies. Thanks.

[BillM]

You sure he's not mentally challenged? Cause it sure sounds like it. If so, you need to realize you're dealing with a 10 year old brain inside that 45 year old body.

Edited June 1, 2015 by BillM

[adempsey]

I find that behavior somewhat concerning. If it were me it would time for a BIG FENCE and a BIG DOG [probably an overreaction at this point =)]. I do think you're taking the correct approach. I don't know what else you can do at this point besides making your boundaries known to them. However, without really knowing much, the profile of this individual gives me some concern. Middle aged man that lives at home with his mother with an obvious interest in your wife. Maybe it's nothing and he's just really friendly and harmless, but maybe it's not. If it were me, I'd probably inquire with my other neighbors and the previous home owners about them. Of course, talking to the mother might be a good first course of action (which I know you said you did try to do ). It might be as Bill says and he is mentally challenged.

Edited June 1, 2015 by adempsey

[mattybculp]

He has a license and a full time job in which he provides services to the public and I believe has a teenage child. In all the conversations I've had I do not believe in any way that he is mentally challenged, As I work in the the health field and deal with disabled people of all kinds all the time. I honestly very rarely see the mother and when trying even to say hello, she doesn't engage but maybe she is hearing impaired. Its strange you mention talking to previous owner and neighbours because I know where the gentlemen lives who I bought the house off of, and was going to drop buy and try to pick his brain about it, on my way home.

[davew3]

Matty just reading this creeped me out. Protect what is yours and don't worry about others feelings. Set bounderies for your neighbor and be sure he knows.

 

Your wife has made her feelings known and hers are what counts. Sometimes it is just instinct to know something is not right.

 

Don't screw around.

 

regards

[glen]

Security cameras watching the property.

[DRIFTER_016]

You sure he's not mentally challenged? Cause it sure sounds like it. If so, you need to realize you're dealing with a 10 year old brain inside that 45 year old body.

 

My thoughts too.

[Beavertail]

Like the saying goes...good fences make good neighbours. If you want privacy that's what I would do.

[mattybculp]

There is a fence in between his property and my property its only a 4ft high chain link but there is a fence. I would prefer a 6ft wood fence but with the size of the property finances wont allow it at this time .

[Fisherman]

Two sides to every coin. There may be a bit of an underlying medical condition. Regarding him taking down plate numbers and descriptions, I've had a couple farmers actually ask me to mark it down if I see unfamiliar vehicles in an area bordering where I work, (it's country area), just in case something was ever to happen out there.

In addition, around our neighbourhood, there's a quiet agreement that a couple of us keep an eye on each others houses, ya never know who is snooping or trying to pull off a B&E. A couple got red handed that way a few years ago.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Fisherman

[FloatnFly]

put a fence up and a lock on the gate

[Freshtrax]

I just moved into my house a year ago, I could tell you most of my neighbours work schedules, what they drive and when they generally come and go. Im not nosey, I'm just in sales and fairly observant. I can understand your anxiety, one of my neighbours is a group home ( for substance abuse recovery) and the wife has said similar things to me before. I didn't say anything but the wife never leaves the house walking without our bulldog x Rottweiler .

[Joey]

Our neighbourhood also looks out for each other. They know our shifts and what cars are supposed to be in the driveway. We basically take note of anything out of the ordinary and watch each other's backs so don't be too concerned about that.

 

As for him coming into the back yard uninvited, I would be a bit uneasy about that. If it were me, being a female, I would see if he does it again and if so, I would in no uncertain terms let him know that it is unacceptable to do that and unless invited, please stay out of our yard. I would be nice about it but firm. If he continued to do it after that I would have to get nasty and/or call the police.

 

Good luck and keep us updated!!

[NAW]

For some reason, I have had the same thing happen at two places I've lived.

 

I had a mentally challenged neighbor for years. I different situation though, as she was about 50 years old. But she used to walk in to my backyard, and knock in the sliding door in to my basement apartment quite regularly. I never felt threatened by her, and we became good buddies. I mowed her lawn for her all the time, and took her garbage out. I was actually sad when she left.

 

But your situation is a little different.

 

I would try speaking to his mother, and let her know how you feel. Let her deal with her son. She likely has a great re-pour with him, and can explain things to him in a way that he will understand.

 

Maybe he has a social worker (if he's as challenged as you think), or someone else close in his life that may be able to explain things better to him?

 

It's a tough call eh. Things may set him off, that you wouldn't even think would phase him. I would tread lightly.

 

As for the watching of the vehicles. Who knows what's running through his head. He may just be trying to help you out by keeping an eye on your house. He may be extremely board, and have nothing to do all day, but look out for what's happening around his neighborhood.

 

My current house, I've got a mentally challenged man about 45 who lives with his mother (retired teacher). They are great. He never talks to me, but he will talk to my girlfriend. He's likely a little scared of me, and feels more comfortable talking to my GF I would never leave him alone with my kids or anything, but we don't feel threatened. If I ever did, I would go straight to his mom though. She would straiten him out for sure.

Edited June 1, 2015 by N.A.W

[mattybculp]

Thank you for all your replies. I DO NOT for 1 second believe this gentleman is handicapped.

[Terry]

nip it in the bud

 

let him know you do not want him on the property without prior permission

you can stick up a motion detector and or camera and tactfully tell him he is setting the cameras and motion detectors and it makes you think there a burglar on the property , till you check who there, so it would be better if he didnt come on the property univited

 

one it lets him know you dont want him there

and two makes him think he could be caught on camera if he comes

 

and if said right, he will not be insulted

[DanD]

Go and talk to him; don't sit a stew about it or write a letter; face too face and go from there. I know you said you've tried once already; but keep trying.

The way it sounds to me, he likely feels intimidate by you and that's why the wife gets the joy of talking with him. Find a way to have a sit down conversation with this guy; ask him out right, why the different vehicles are a concern too him, why he feels it's OK to come into your yard, when you're not there. You might be surprised to find that he is a nice guy; but has no social skills with strangers?

 

Dan.

[OhioFisherman]

nip it in the bud

 

let him know you do not want him on the property without prior permission

you can stick up a motion detector and or camera and tactfully tell him he is setting the cameras and motion detectors and it makes you think there a burglar on the property , till you check who there, so it would be better if he didnt come on the property univited

 

one it lets him know you dont want him there

and two makes him think he could be caught on camera if he comes

 

and if said right, he will not be insulted

This, although I have never been particularly bothered by telling a neighbor to stay away and off my property unless invited on to it.

[quickme]

Go and talk to him; don't sit a stew about it or write a letter; face too face and go from there. I know you said you've tried once already; but keep trying.

The way it sounds to me, he likely feels intimidate by you and that's why the wife gets the joy of talking with him. Find a way to have a sit down conversation with this guy; ask him out right, why the different vehicles are a concern too him, why he feels it's OK to come into your yard, when you're not there. You might be surprised to find that he is a nice guy; but has no social skills with strangers?

 

Dan.

i think this is great advise. Face to face, this way you can see if he's trying to hide something or if he is socially awkward. Nothing odd about neighbors sitting down and getting to know each other. Maybe have your wife there also and see what his body language is like when shes around. Worse thing is that you may have overreacted about his intentions causing tension.

[mattybculp]

Thanks everyone. I will try that. I will hold off until I speak to him personally, I originally wanted to do that, however I didn't want to much time to pass before the situation was addressed. It makes me feel a little better knowing that others wouldn't be comfortable entering there back yard when you really don't know the person. I truly don't even know his first name although I know I was told it a year ago I couldn't even guess as to what it is

[Steelheadphycho]

It's so hard to trust people sometimes. Yes, he could be a great guy and this is all not what it seems. But there are way too many "what ifs"

 

I hate to say set things up like your wife is the bait. She goes out to let the dogs out, he makes his way over again, you pop out in the middle of the conversation.

 

Do you have any way to see if he has a criminal record? Could he be a sex offender?

 

Argh! Too many ??????

[MrSimon]

Go talk to him.

 

Don't write a letter, put up big fences, or install security cameras .... yet.

 

Before getting too aggressive with the guy, try to understand him. Be friendly. Maybe even thank him for keeping an eye out. Invite him over for a beer. Heck, maybe you'll make a good friend. Just cause he's weird doesn't mean is a bad person. Once you figure him out a bit you can decide the best way to set boundaries.

 

Or, if while trying that, you realize he actually is a danger to your family, then it's time to get aggressive.

Edited June 1, 2015 by MrSimon

[jimmer]

Trust your wife's instincts and then do what you have to. Most women I know are usually right on the mark with their gut feelings.

Face to face is a tough thing to do, but like someone else mentioned, you can get your own read about the situations and his responses.

Could be a lonely guy that can relate better to women (he lives with his mother at 45) or a creep like your wife feels.

I have had neighbours in the past that seem to show up when my wife is out gardening and then proceed to waste an hour of her time talking about nothing important. All innocent, but boy can it be annoying. She has learned how to deal with them, which is more powerful than me talking to the guy. Yes, I keep my eyes and ears open.

[mattybculp]

Thanks everyone! I always know I can count on the opinions of the good people here on the board which is why I asked. I will make sure to speak with him personally.