I need Advice

[lew]

Peter, as you know, I lost my only son in a construction accident a couple years back when he was 37 years old and I would do absolutely anything in this world to have him back, but unfortunately that's never gonna happen.

 

I'm no psychiatrist, but I'm an expert on how it feels for a dad to lose his son.

 

Your son has made a decision in his life that you may not be happy with, or even condone, but there's no way your gonna change the way he is and if you push it too hard, you may drive him away permanentely and never get him back.

 

Accept him for what he is, set the guidelines you feel are acceptable, but love him for being your son and don't let go of that.

 

Best of luck to the pair of you.

 

I never had a choice in losing my son forever, but you do.....

[douG]

Good Luck, Peter. I have two daughters in their early twenties who both live at home. We have basic rules that are respected and these rules apply both ways, for example a reasonable expectation of privacy, and a respect for my feelings. These include time when they can watch a movie in a room by themselves, albeit with an open door, and the bedrooms are always off limits. The girls travel with their boyfriends, and sleep there too from time to time. This might be the way you choose to go with your son.

 

My sister is gay, and happy, in a long term committed relationship with someone who respects her. What more could a parent ask for?

 

Another note, gay is not a lifestyle choice any more than heterosexuality is. Did any guy ever choose to be attracted to girls? Of course not. Your sexuality is part of you, and cannot be changed or prayed away, just accepted.

 

Lew, very well put. Thanks for your insight too.

Edited November 17, 2008 by douG

[JohnF]

I never had a choice in losing my son forever, but you do.....

 

Sounds like we're reading from the same page Lew. You said it better.

 

JF

[Joey]

Not much more I can add here Peter. I am certainly impressed and respect you for your open-mindedness.

 

Keep him close, love him dearly and keep the lines of communication open, including the "use protection" talk. I'm sure he already knows the risks involved, but it doesn't hurt to keep reminding him.

 

 

Joey

[Rich Clemens]

Well Pete, I'm glad you took a very important first step in stepping back and taking a breath. The first time you discuss the issue with your son will be the most important and will definitly set the direction from there on out. Good to see you thinking this thing through. The subjet of sexuality can be a personal one and one that is very sensitive, and sometimes very private, to those involved. It's so easy to get off on the wrong foot and very tough to get back on track. A sit down conversion, one on one, would be a good start. Maybe this would be more comfortable to him. It may be that you are both apprehensive about discussing the matter and a good way to break the ice. Even if you don't approve of his lifestyle, be understanding and don't condemn him for it. As the discussion goes on, you will be able to fit in your desires while in your home in a positive way. I think Lew said it very well. Best of luck my friend.

[Bernie]

A sit down conversion, one on one, would be a good start.

 

Hey Rich. I"m sure you meant "sit down conversation"

Edited November 18, 2008 by Bernie

[solopaddler]

Hey Rich. I"m sure you meant "sit down conversation"

 

 

I saw that too, have to admit I chuckled a bit .

[snag]

Peter,

 

I have to admit, you've always come off as a tough and harsh individual.

 

I might have thought, uncompromising.

 

I can't believe how well you're trying to accept and grow with your son.

 

 

I have straight and gay friends.

 

I am repulsed by men being intimate. (The ladies are a lot easier to handle)

I am repulsed because I'm genetically designed to be so.

I am intellegent enough to accept that homosexuality is as completely natural as heterosexuality.

 

You and I are designed to be a heterosexual and our base phycological design will fight against any biological deviation to ensure that we procreate.

 

Your son is designed as perfect as you, just a different design.

 

Anyways, discretion on his part will be key to both of you being happy.

He should know your nature well enough to agree.

Time, lots of time.......

 

Kudos on strength and understanding.

[BITEME]

I want to thank everyone who responded to my query. I always knew but this has renforced what I have felt all along that this is not just a forum or a message board but a group of friends. I have to admit I checked a few times last night to see what was said and at one point my eyes welled up. YOU GUYS/GIRLS ARE FREAKING GREAT!!! Just so all know this is a first for me and no matter what I love my son unconditionally,we do talk all the time and he is a well rounded kid. This is just a little weird for me thats all just another whirlwind in life to ride I'm sure not the last.Thanks again all that responded. I am proud to be a member of this OFC Family and also to be accepted for who and how I am .......WOW!!!!!

THANKS THANKS THANKS

Peter

[Rich Clemens]

Hey guys ... It spell-checked just fine. Yes, that was my bad ... should have been CONVERSATION.

[BITEME]

Hey guys ... It spell-checked just fine. Yes, that was my bad ... should have been CONVERSATION.

 

Not a problem I got more then a chuckle out of it the keyboard isnt doing well though

[kemper]

Im really impressed with how this discussion turned out, and can't possibly think of anything else to add.

 

ya'll are pretty refined for a bunch of grumpy oldschool fishermen

[ehg]

I remember your online persona change post from Honeydew to BITEME.

Despite that new challenging and acerbic persona; you have now shown in this post

your great heart and attitude. This is all real big of you

ehg

[Dano]

I cant add anything to the solid advice you have received here so far Peter, you know you have all of our support.

[Big Cliff]

Well BITME, we are proud to have you as a member too! For years I have been saying that OFC is a family, we may hit the odd bump in the road but we stick together! That's just what real famlies do!

[Rich]

It's really rare to see a thread like this remain civil. I'm keeping my mouth shut, not for any reason other than I have no valuable advice to give.

 

Props to everyone here for remaining so politically correct in this thread - and for giving some very good advice.

[The Urban Fisherman]

ya'll are pretty refined for a bunch of grumpy oldschool fishermen

 

LOL that's funny stuff kemper...

 

Nothing more to add here - You're a good Father BITEME, and I'm impressed with the amount of solid advice and open minded people here on OFC.

 

Cheers,

UF

[bigfish1965]

I work with all kinds of gay/lesbian people. Other than their orientation, they are no different. Okay, the guys dress better than me but thats about all.

But, the fact that he can be out with you is very good. Children who do not feel comfortable enough to come out and live a lie are quite often depressed and more likely to commit suicide.

His sexual orientation does not change who he is...your son.

Ask yourself honestly...if he was kissing a girl in front of me, or whatever they are doing...would it bother me? If the answer is no, then just give yourself time to adjust. He will be able to grow up happy and healthy if you treat him the same as if he were straight.

I think after seeing some of the girls I brought home when I was 17, my mother probably wished I was gay.

This is Canada and we are all pretty much used to it if you live in a town with more than 40,000 people. It does not change his character or his personality. In fact it probably takes alot of strength and courage to admit something like that to a parent. It means you raised him right.

I think it will take awhile, but after time you will not even give it a second thought.

Remember when mixed marriages were a no-no? We have evolved alot as a society.

[bigugli]

I can't add much to what most have said. As long as you can maintain an open and honest discussion and dialogue with your son, all will work out. The big plus is you love your son no matter what, as any good parent does. The open affection/ sexual display is an irritation no matter the sexual orientation. Its a detail to be worked out.

You're a good father, BiteMe.

[splashhopper]

Hi there:

I am a former hair salon owner and used to work in the beauty industry for many years.

This meant i was surrounded by alternate lifestyles on a daily basis.

 

I too had a challenge around "open" gay lifestyles for a while.

 

I lost a close friend 4 weeks ago due to him NOT being able to "come out" at age 61!

go figure.

 

I am also a 17 years member of a 12 step fellowship where I sponsor two gay men.

One of them helps many men and their families in their journeys when a member comes out.

 

He gave me this site to forward to anyone that I encounter that may need some additional resources.

http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.asp

 

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance to you and your family.

 

Sincerely,

 

Splashhopper

[OhioFisherman]

I think after seeing some of the girls I brought home when I was 17, my mother probably wished I was gay.

 

LMAO, I brought home a couple in fishnet stockings, short skirts and no panties myself!

 

Mom and Dad were more comfortable with my crew!

[Handlebarz]

Peter I dont know what that would be like but as so many here have said and I can see that you already know just stay strong and be there for him. I hope all works out for you and your son I too would be in the same boat as you are right now with trying to figure out what to do next.

 

Be honest and up front I guess would be my only two things to add.

 

Good luck Mike

[LeXXington]

To quote Seinfeld "Not that there is anything wrong with that" and I don't think that’s the main point of your complaint.

 

Mutual respect, and discretion goes a long way, Sure you son would also feel uncomfortable if he walked into a room with the Grandparents doing the hanky panky.

(sorry if grandparents are no longer around)

 

Family is for life,

 

I commend you on your openness

[doubleheader]

Hi Peter,

 

Doubleheader here from Warren, PA. I don't post much but your story isn't the typical one often read and I thought I'd add my 2 cents to what is really great feedback from the OFC community. I have 4 grown girls, almost positive they are heterosexual, but I suppose one never knows for sure, so I've never experienced what you're experiencing. I do, however, know and work with gay people, and I really think the world is pretty knotted up about what should be a personal matter. Sounds like you get that, and are a great dad. More importantly it sounds like your son trusts you. It doesn't get much better than that. I am almost 57, and I am not perfect in my own acceptance of these things for just like you I don't care to watch gay men or women kiss. I hope that's only natural given my generation, and I certainly don't think you should feel guilty. My only recommendation for you is to continue on, keep the communication lines open, have honest discussion with your boy, always make sure he know you love him, and if things start to go the wrong way in your relationship seek expert help. We need more understanding and tolerance in this crazy world. If there were more parents like you it would be a far better place. Best of luck to you both.

Edited November 24, 2008 by doubleheader