Headhunter Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Well, the master of disater turned 70 years old yesterday. I wonder how he celebrated? HH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roy Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Squashed a bottle of Geritol 'tween his toes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take ...crap.. from anybody. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Indian. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anders Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 (edited) If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. Edited June 4, 2009 by anders Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyb Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 :lol: now THIS is a great thread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misfish Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Got to meet Chuck Norris when my pop was competing in Karate tournys.Thats way back when. The stuff on the screens we have all seen is fake, we all know that.But to see him in his prime when he could kick yer head off with a spinning heel kick.Man he was a great karate fighter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ptmpete Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 (edited) A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer Bullets dodge Chuck Norris Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?” Edited June 4, 2009 by ptmpete Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danbouck Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris doesn't go fishing he goes catching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dutch Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 This thread is pure gold..haven't lol this much in a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire. Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty ultiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger. Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTHM Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris can change a traffic light just by looking at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misfish Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 (edited) Chuck Norris can change a traffic light just by looking at it. NO NO NO ,thats Whoopie Goldberg. (how ever you spell her name.) Edited June 4, 2009 by misfish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane". Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and bull on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't screw with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 Only Chuck Norris can stop the Detroit Red Wings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTHM Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 NO NO NO ,thats Whoopie Goldberg. (how ever you spell her name.) With her the light has to want to change, with Chuck Norris the light WILL change Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUSTER Posted June 4, 2009 Report Share Posted June 4, 2009 http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/image...oilet_paper.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 Hmm looks like Chuck doesn't turn 70 till next year. Don't tell him I said he wasn't seventy. He just get's older faster than mere mortals. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, action star and television and film actor who is known for action roles such as Cordell Walker on Walker, Texas Ranger, his iconically tough image and roundhouse kick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 Chuck Norris catches neither smallmouth or largemouth bass. When he's done, they have no jaws. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grimace Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. When there's a fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When there's a Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg. If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE! Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands. Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow. Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral. Chuck Norris does not love Raymond. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattitude Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricoboxing Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 chuck norris dosent shave his chest... BRUCE LEE RIPS OFF THE HAIR FOR HIM!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harrison Posted June 5, 2009 Report Share Posted June 5, 2009 (edited) Got to meet Chuck Norris when my pop was competing in Karate tournys.Thats way back when. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guys nards so hard his name instantly changed from Mrfish to Misfish. Edited June 5, 2009 by Harrison Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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