urbanangler1990 Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 hello, my mother is feeling very ill about our step dads passing, before i get to my question, he was truely a good man, i grew very close to him, and id go to him for advice and i felt like i could talk to him about anything, something i couldnt with my own father, he was all my mom had, he was always there, always there when i couldnt be, it will be very difficult, the dillema, which is a sad one, is that we planned his funeral today but his brother from bowmaville arranged it first, u see, my step dad had 8 brothers, he did not want to speak to them after their mom died, he hadnt been in contact with them for over 10 years, he said himself his only family is my mom and me, my mother wanted soo badly to arrange this and now this happens, his family didnt care about him when he was ill or in need, but now they want to seem as they are there for him now, see, he toldus that he wanted the decision to be with my mom, but its only his words, nothing officailly, this is extremely sad, we dont know what to do, does anyone know what to do?
FishFinder Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 plan it together and use this tragic event to get rid of old grudges
jonnybass Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 I'm sorry for you and your mom's loss. He sounded like a great man. I'm sure there are members here much wiser than me on advising you about the situation with his brothers.
Canuck2fan Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 (edited) Sorry for your loss. One of the hardest things you will ever do for someone is to follow their last wishes. Having been an executor a couple of times now. I know what it is like to have differences at a time like this. I might not have read your post right but it doesn't seem to indicate who the executor of his estate is or if there is one? If he and your mother were married and there was no will stating otherwise she would most likely be recognized as having the responsibility for paying for the funeral and arranging it.... If she has the power under the law then all she has to do is wield it, and there isn't anything they can do. Also unfortunately the reverse is true too if his brother is the executor he gets to dictate what will happen.... However a meeting with everyone at the funeral home to plan things with the funeral director there sometimes can ease tensions because lots of times family members who are petty and small in private won't act that way in front of an outsider. So you get a compromise and if they complain afterward you calmly hold up your hand and say that they agreed at the meeting and now is not the time to be changing things.... Sounds like a tough situation I hope it works out. Edited May 2, 2008 by Canuck2fan
steve_paul Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 First UA, very sorry for your loss - he sounds like a wonderful man and someone who even when he is gone will help guide you through your life with what he has taught you. As for the funeral, it is a celebration of his life and you should go and celebrate him for what he has meant to you. We went through this last year with my wife's grandmother and the squabbles that went with all the planning - it is not fun. But, all the same, rather than fight about it, go and celebrate him, what he taught you, what he meant to you and your mom. Possibly, afterwards, why not arrange a private memorial service for him as you and your mom wish to plan. Maybe your church could help you with this, nothing elaborate, just another celebration of his life the way you and your mom wish to do it. And again, very sorry for your loss.
jonnybass Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 What Canuck2fan and Steve_paul said sounds like great advice. I wish I could offer more, but I've never been in a situation like this.
brickNblock Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 As johnnybass said.......Im quite sure others know more then me. Urban angler......... First of all......My condolences to both you and your mother. Young fella......hopefully there was a will made out where these plans were made previously...check into this when you feel up to it. There is not much you can do when the 'Family' steps in if there isnt a will that is known. What line of work was he in...in my line (it was a union)...you had to keep an updated beneficiary card in case of something just like this and it should unfold as such. Too early to say these things but it is a reality....For your mother, can you check to see if his place of employment has a coverage and exactly what he had destined to certain folk as far as just this instance....it could look after your dilema. If your stepDad and your mom were together after a acertained length of time she willl be automatically be deemed the person to look after all arangements I believe...again..others will certainly chime in about this. I feel for you Bud...and your mother too. Times like this should not be about this type of aggravation but one of looking after those that cared and loved. Legal steps must be observed.......check into the place of employment first then for sure a lawyer if you feel that your mother is getting pushed around..............who the freak would push around loved ones at a time like this.... Buddy..........I wish you nothing but the best...your mom too PM me anytime if you just need someone to talk to....I'll be here for you for sure.
Gerritt Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 (edited) UA.... I am so very sorry for your loss, he sounds like a great man and it shows in the young man he has raised... Having re-read my post... I think this is better for a PM... UA... let me know when you have a bit of time.... Gerritt. Edited May 2, 2008 by Gerritt
medmart Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 I am sorry i have no advice to offer but i would like to send my condolence to you and your mom Rob
ccmtcanada Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 UA....bly and I are saddened to hear this news. From your description, he sounded like a great man....and a part of him will live through both your mom and yourself. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice on the funeral arrangements....I hope it all works out. Celebrate his life....don't dwell on the negatives in death...I think in the long run everyone will be better off.
danbo Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 My condolences to you and your family.. Talk with the family..it will work out OK.
perodimi Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 Hello Urbanangler, My sincere condolences to you and your Mom. What great maturity you show by coming here and sharing this with your colleagues and for that you should be proud. Remember that funerals are for the living and not those that have passed. There must be tremendous guilt and a sense of obligation on the part of his brother. Think of it. All those years have past and now for him, it's too late. Arranging a funeral is his way of making it right and clearing his own conscience. You and your Mom on the other hand, have no skeletons in the closet and may live on with the knowledge that you were always by his side right to the end. For that, you will sleep at night and hold your head high with pride. In my very humble opinion (and I mean this with all sincerety and no malice intent), it doesn't matter who arranges this funeral, where it is nor where he is ultimately interned. What matters is the honour you bestowed upon him in life. Believe me when I say, his brother has a different heartache than you and your Mom. With all due respect, your duty now is to be brave and show strength by standing by your mother and helping her through this. Talk to her, support her and answer to her needs. Always remember that how we repond in the face of adversity is what ultimately defines us as people. Good Luck Pal, we'll be thinkin' bout ya! Peter
Big Cliff Posted May 2, 2008 Report Posted May 2, 2008 I am very sorry for your and your mom's loss! I think the most important thing to remember here is that his body may be gone but his spirit will live on. It really doesen't matter what his original family does, what matters is what you do! Keep him in your hearts and his spirit will live on forever! I am sure he would have wanted it that way from the sound of it! Peace be with all of you!
Roy Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Perodimi (Peter) said it best. I could not have said it any better. Just stay close to your Mom for a good while bud. My heartfelt condolences to you both and your step dad's family as well. Take care of yourself, you can't help Mom when you're in bad shape. Be well.
bpsbassman Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 My condolences UA. You sound like you were very blessed to have him in your life and it sounds like he has had a very positive influence on you. Take care and look after Mom.
Nanook Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Sorry, I cant help with your problem....but, please accept our condolences to you and your Mom.
urbanangler1990 Posted May 3, 2008 Author Report Posted May 3, 2008 (edited) a tear nearly ran down my cheek, thank you all he was on ODSP he broke away from the 8 brothers and sisters they had, they were not good to him at all, he did not want to be in contact with them at all, neither did they toward him, its just quite frustrating that he said to my mom she is the decsion maker if something happens, then all of a sudden his unknown family comes in, the man died in our apartment, its just so sad his brother wants it to be in bowmanville, my stepdad was born and raised in toronto, his parents were buried in scarbourough, Gerrit, i dont think i got ur PM thank u all Edited May 3, 2008 by urbanangler
Ben_Daniels Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Sorry for your loss Alex. My condolences are with you and your family. I'm a youngin like you and I'm not exactly sure how you should handle the situation, but it's really sad to hear. When you feel up to it we should hit the Islands for some Pike....Keep you head up man! -Ben
finfan Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Very sorry to hear of your loss UA both you and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers. I can see how much your stepfather had meant to you and your mother. It shows in the way you talk about him and how great he was! You should feel blessed to have known and have him your lives as he felt blessed to have the both of you in his. Know that although we can never bring the people we care for back we can always bring back their memories. And that my friend...nobody can take away from either one of you. You are a tremendously brave young man and your mom may need to lean to you for that. Be there for her and remember it's okay for you to cry also. I'm there for you bud and so are all the wonderful people who have shared their kind words, advice and experiences to you. We have all suffered losses in our lives and it really hurts when it's someone as wonderful as your stepfather. God Bless my friend and take good care of yourself and mom...finfan
pikehunter Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Sorry to hear about your stepfather. You are sure to miss him and all of his helpful advise and his presence. I can't comment about your situation as I didn't know your family or his other family arrangement so any comments would not be fair to anyone. Remember him fondly and he will be there for you in spirit.
lew Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 (edited) Sorry for your loss , it's always tough to get through. Look after your Mom & yourself. Edited May 3, 2008 by lew
MJL Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Sorry for your loss. He sounded like a great man and a special person. Condolences for you and your mom.
bigfish1965 Posted May 3, 2008 Report Posted May 3, 2008 Sorry for your loss, UA. Cannot imagine what you are going through. As his wife, your mother has all say in his affairs unless a will says otherwise. She is responsible for his care both in life and after.
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