the joy of pets

[HTHM]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 

 

 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do..

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

"So, Ernie's just. . .just. . . excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that . ..

I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50.

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!

[MJL]

Best post of the year

 

I read it 5 times in a row and each time it just gets better

 

This is Pulitzer Prize material

[Beats]

That's too good

[Dozer]

 

That pretty much sums it up... that is hilarious!

[Dozer]

...does that make you gay? Even if you didn't know?

[ctranter]

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

 

I can definitely relate to this part. Great post!

[Paully]

Hahaha

[solopaddler]

Seriously that should be published.

 

What a great story!

[Roy]

My neighbour has an iguana that would like your phone number.

[JohnF]

Jeez. I'm glad the little guy didn't look like he was stuggling for air. Heaven only knows what you might have done for that.

 

JF

[blaque]

This is Pulitzer Prize material

 

You mean Pull-the-lizards pride material?

[packrat]

 

 

That is too funny-----just when you think you've heard it all

[lookinforwalleye]

Very nice of you to relieve your son`s pet!!

[danbouck]

That is the greatest story I have ever heard!

[glen]

I hope you didn't get any on you.

 

The lizard will say he loves you if you do it again.

[Jewelbee]

OMG!..... You need to get that one into Readers Digest!!!!!

[EC1]

By far the funniest pet story I've ever read.

Thanks! You made my bad work day freaking awesome!

Edited May 20, 2010 by EC1

[HTHM]

I must confess, this is a clip and paste from another web site. It was too good to not share.

[GBW]

I must confess, this is a clip and paste from another web site. It was too good to not share.

sure, sure, try and pass the buck along as we all know what you did to it. Did it light a smoke?

either way, too funny!

[lunkerbasshunter]

lol ok that was one great story!!!!

 

cheers!

[Sharkbait22]

You should honestly send that the Stewart McLean of the Vinly Cafe! Excellent.