walleyemen Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, EXCEPT LETTER "B", DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FISHINGNUT Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 Good one ,my 13 yr old daughter is going to a dance tonight maybe I should print these out so she can take a few of them with her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danbouck Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 Very nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jigger Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 My daughter isn't old enough to date. But when she is, I'll have a few of those waiting to be handed out. Thanks for that, walleyemen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecxstriper Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 Cliff I'm wondering if we shouldn't put this up on your front door !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonny Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 sounds reasonable to me!!!,,maybe a little lax,but hey it is the new age!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muddler Posted February 15, 2008 Report Share Posted February 15, 2008 A friend of mine is a construction worker. He's about 6' 8" and about 350 lbs. His very pretty daughter was going out on her first date and a boy pulls up in a nice car with music blaring. When his daughter answered the door the boy plants a wet kiss on his daughter. My buddy grabs the boy and kisses him the same way(right on the lips). The boy is stunned. My buddy says the the guy," Have a great date just remember whatever you do to my daughter, I'll do it to you!". "Would, home by 10:00 pm be alright with you sir?", was the boys answer. I almost died laughing. muddler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clampet Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Granny says thets tha only way a feller is gonna come a courtin' roun here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattyk Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 thats a good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishindevil Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Well i better save that as i have a young daughter too !!! and maybe i will need that in a few years...LOL..LOL. . maybe i should start taking judo & karate lessons now,and be all prepared for when a boy i dont like asks her out on a date ??? cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greencoachdog Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Just think back and remember all the stuff you did when you were their age... yeah, they're doing it too!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blaque Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Good THread......in all seriousness, it made me laugh......but feel good at the same time that its not just me that has a problem with this subject. Im knee deep in it, and the only man in the house, and most times get eyes rolled at me when i bring out the protective side....from all ages, not just the kids, its them against me lol. The girls truly dont understand our (guys) point of view on this whole deal. Ill be in a local correctional facility within the next 2 years i figure, hope theres a fishin pond LOL!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ccmtcanada Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Cliff I'm wondering if we shouldn't put this up on your front door !!! Yep...I hear you Alex!!! I think I'll add a few pics....like maybe a few of you with your paintball fatigues on....only instead of a paintball gun, have you holding a shotgun....LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnF Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Good THread......in all seriousness, it made me laugh......but feel good at the same time that its not just me that has a problem with this subject. Im knee deep in it, and the only man in the house, and most times get eyes rolled at me when i bring out the protective side....from all ages, not just the kids, its them against me lol. The girls truly dont understand our (guys) point of view on this whole deal. Ill be in a local correctional facility within the next 2 years i figure, hope theres a fishin pond LOL!! Exactly why I've always been happy we had only boys. I wouldn't have survived raising daughters. I don't know how some of you do it. You're obviously better men than me. On the other hand I'm sure glad there are those of you who could handle it. The world would be a cold and lonely place with only us guys in it. JF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carp Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Let the boy know you have friends who are pig farmers, then have him watch the movie "Snatch". If he scoffs at your suggestion, ask him to look up "Port Coquitlam, B.C. pig farmer" on the net. If that doesn't have him worried, I can suggest alternative methods. Unfortunately, I cannot publish those methods, especially on a public forum. They could be used against me in court to charge me as an accomplice. Yeah, I've had time to think about those methods. I have 2 young girls myself. God help the poor shmuck who shows up at my door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTHM Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 Well, as much as we would like to think we can control who (what) our children date, and keep them safe; it all boils down to how well we have brought them up to make their own good sound choices in life. Am I worried, yes, but my wife has done a fantastic job of raising 3 well-mannered hard working girls. That being said, as the father of 3 model caliber daughters, I think I will print this out and give it to my daughters boyfriends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blaque Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 (edited) Well, as much as we would like to think we can control who (what) our children date, and keep them safe; it all boils down to how well we have brought them up to make their own good sound choices in life. Agreed, when it is a voluntary "choice" , youd hope they do the right thing based on what you taught them......thing is ,their choices are HEAVILY influenced by more than just me........ they are growing up 8 hours a day at school around this Brittany, Lindsey, Paris, crap. Disney channel is nothing but fashion queens at 12 with hair nails and clothes to fit a 30 year old woman......they walk by aeropostale and hollister at the mall to view half naked guys and girls in thongs on the wall ......i even walked by an Abercrombie and Fitch store where they had 3 live guys in bathing suits all muscled up in teh entrance to the store.......thats the image they (boys and girls) fight to portray......and its a daily and i mean DAILY battle to try and keep their head on straight. Ive done my job and taught her, and continue to teach whats right, how to have respect for yourself......who the idiot guys are and who arent......etc etc.......but it is definitely a straight up hill battle with media and friends and cellphones, and commercials, and magazines on the rack, and every kid on Hannah Montana and Suitelife with Zack and coty dating and acting liek they are 20 somethin. Im implementing no media day in my house twice a week, no radio, no TV, the cell phone has already been removed FOR GOOD......nuttin but trouble....i think im doin ok so far, shes a GREAT kid, but i always explain to her that im jsut tryin to keep her that way and make sure she doesnt get sucked in to all the crap around her. Of all the kids i meet, she still seems the most pure and seems to really understand most of the time what im doin when i discipline , but again, back to the boys......at almost 13, shes starting to get aggrivated by my overprotection lol. I could go on all day on this topic.........but its time to go hang out with the kids! Edited February 16, 2008 by Blaque Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wallyboss Posted February 18, 2008 Report Share Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I told my Daughter that any boy that she dates I need to meet them before. I told her that I was going to use the Jeff Foxworthy line. First I'll bring him to the basement and show him all my shotguns and rifles. Then I will show him all my tattoos then I will tell him that my daughter is my most precious person on earth and that if he has any intentions of kissing her, touching her that I have "No Problem With Going Back To Jail!!" Edited February 18, 2008 by wallyboss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blizzcat Posted February 18, 2008 Report Share Posted February 18, 2008 hahaha Good post! I really enjoyed "Daddy's Rules for Dating"! I grew up with an overprotective father (*awww*) so this is just too funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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