oldphart

1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ 2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ 3. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ 4. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ 5. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ 6. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. __________________________________________ 7. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ 8. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ 9. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ 10. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ 11. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ 12. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral ??? _________________________________________ 13. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ 14. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: 15. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, MAMA

~~~ I heard Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

~~~~Just stand down wind of me, and you'll know why. It started out as Ye Ole Phart, then I shorten it

~~~i have 2 popped rivets in my boat tried goop, but didn't hold switched to J.B.Weld liquid weld, doing great

~~~Very good buddie of mine phishes the channels down there quite often mainly for Carp, and Gar Pike, he has also caught some Northern Pike also. If you stay away from the Marinas you'll be okay, and if you catch a phish, you'll have an audience.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psychopath 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Cinco. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer. Now, admit it... At least one of these made you smile. *** Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

~~~There was in the past a great Catfish derby on the river, always wanted to enter, but never had the time

Garry Marr May 17, 2011 – 10:18 AM ET | Last Updated: May 17, 2011 10:33 AM ET When it comes to saving money on gas, who would know better than an oil and gas executive? Chris Faulkner, chief executive of Breitling Oil and Gas Ltd., offers these tips: 1. Fill up your tank on Wednesday or Thursday, gas prices go up on the weekend. Don't buy gas on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday unless it's an emergency. 2. Don't let your car idle, either when you warm it up or when you're at a standstill. If you're going to be standing for more than a minute, running your engine wastes more gas than restarting the engine. 3. Buy gas when it's cooler during the day (like the early morning or at night) to reduce gas evaporation. 4. Remove unnecessary items in your car. Every 250 extra pounds eats up an extra mile per gallon of gas. 5. Avoid the convenient gas station on the side of the highway as you drive home from work which can be up to US$.15 more per gallon. 6. Save money with self-service. 7. Drive less – combine errands, carpool, and plot out the shortest route with a driving website beforehand. It may sound obvious but it is often overlooked. 8. Check for traffic and detours online or on the radio prior to beginning your drive to avoid wasteful backtracking and idling. 9. Keep your windows closed when driving on the highway. Open windows can reduce your gas mileage by as much as 10%. In stop-and-go traffic, open the windows and turn off the air conditioning to save more money. 10. Rent fuel-efficient cars when you travel and research reasonably priced places to buy gas before you leave. 11. Confirm with your mechanic what octane gasoline your car's engine really needs. Most car engines do not require high octane though the manual will say its "recommended." 12. Download a Gas App for your phone. If you have a Smartphone, there are plenty of free apps that help you find the cheapest gas near your destination. GasBuddy makes it easy with its free app, and Mapquest has an online finder for gas prices. 13. Buy Discount Gas Gift Cards – Did you know you don't have to pay full price for a gift card? 14. Be loyal to one gas company and get rewarded with its cash-back credit card reward program. ~~And my favorite #15 Care a length of rubber hose, a 5 Gal can, and some strong breath mints

~~~Great pics, like the Widdle White Twacker, look good next to my Widdle Green Twacker.

~~~Darn it all, your kids stole all my phish, I was hoping to be there next weekend but they caught all the phish in the lake, Drat

~~Sound similar to what mine was doing, spent 20 some hour trace the power leads and finally took it to Weber's in Markham, and let Frank find it and fix it only cost 3 hours labour

~~~Happy Birthday young lady, let me know when your at the age of consent, & I'll buy you a drink

~~~Out of Sibalds, blast off at 08:00 $150.00 per team, Registering at 06:30 Temp 3 rising to 15 in the afternoon winds out of the N. at 5 and Sunny www.georginafishingser...ck-S.shtml

~~~Took the 40 FPP off my 16.5 Tracker ran 2 12s, in parallel, now mounting a 101 FPP and it needs 36 volts, Question is do I need to change the main cable, or can the old cable take the load???

~~~Checking out the Eagle they got about 2" of snow, with rain, & snow until Sunday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~(Note to self, don't move to Iowa)

~~~This is a great activity for those Bass Phishermen who like to pitch, and dunk for Bass, great way to practice C&R

~~~Dang that not bad for weights, good luck in the next Tourney

~~~Watched this morning Dad dropped off 2 phish with in 5 min. white sucker, and a trout, and Mom dragging the squirrels carcass to another spot.Have it up on my third monitor at work so I can watch it all day long

~~~~I'll be there on Sat.and the wife will be there on Thursday. I think I'm getting a new Canoe for her.

~~~Okay time to go shopping some Garlic, Onions, Sage, Pepper corn, Tomatoes, have I forgotten anything, Great Vid. Wonder how fast he can be out of season with MNR closing in.

~~~Some great Cat phished just up river from Hwy 11. there's a 50' hole, best time is early May, or first thing in the morning in front of the locks, before they open

:thumbsup_anim: ~~~Happy Birthday to him, Happy Birthday to him, HAPPPPPY BIRRRRRTHday to I forgot who's birthday was it again

~~~~Up coming events Gagon is having a Yard Sale on April 7th-10th. Also Rocky Madsen's Perch Attack also coming up April 30 and I'll be there for sure.

~~~I make a great rod holder, when do you want to go phishen??