Bass Opener?

[JohnF]

Very early on Sunday June 8/08

 

So there I was, up at the crack of dawn, actually dawn hadn't quite cracked yet, so I was up at - what do the marines call it?? ... oh dark thirty. Everything was neatly stowed in my well slimed khaki shoulder bag, inherited from an old family friend, a fly fisherman. My favourite rod & reel were loaded and ready to rip - I'd start the day with the tried and true Rapala minnow, guaranteed to always get fish. Naturally the hooks were well-honed. It's hard to spend as many hours as I do fondling my gear without actually accomplishing something, like sharpening the hooks.

 

I'd pulled on my waders and laced up my boots, slung my slimey bag, clutched my Quantum and stepped into the creek. It's a bit of a walk (wade?) from the entry point to the beginning of the best pool but with the sun just peeking over the trees it was better than pastorale. I'd have loved to shoot some pics but of course I had no camera.

 

A big turtle flopped in the reeds beside me and skulled away into the deeper water. A Blue Heron's yawking shortened my life by a year at least when it rose from behind the weeds and gracefully swung out over the water, and me, heading downstream.

 

I stayed back from the edge of the pool when I got close, partly to enjoy the rising sun and partly to avoid disturbing the bass that I knew were hanging there. After a few moments I side-armed my rod, sending the Rapala well out over the pool, almost to the other side before it settled with a gentle plunk, shattering the mirror surface. I let it rest for a second before giving it the first twitch. Sometimes a nearby bass will nail it on the landing, but not today. I started an easy retrieve, doing my best to make it look like a sleepy minnow still groggy from the long night, a perfect breakfast for a big ole monster bass.

 

Sure enough the bass was there, shaking off the previous evening's hangover I suppose, like me, and he hit my sleepy little plastic minnow a ton (or a tonne), so hard he and the minnow flew out of the water, crashing back in a shower of sun-sparkled waterdrops. Then he ran. I gave him all the line he wanted for a few seconds just because it felt good. Finally though I tightened up and started to turn him. I only had four pound line on so I couldn't horse him in case he was a big'un, and he looked huge in the air, possibly even a personal best. I was in a state of near rapture letting him run and then giving him a little tug to let him know I was still there, standing in water up to my waist at the edge of his pool. If only fishing could always be like this - set the hook, let him run, turn down the drag a bit, let him run, then have him leave the water for a split second in a rainbow of diamond studded drops. That kind of experience should last forever.

 

Sadly, I knew I couldn't make it last, no matter how beautiful it was, so I went to work and brought him close, close enough to lip him gently and remove the hook so he could swim to fight another day. He got close and ..... he really was beautiful, bronze and gold and dark markings. He was twenty-four inches at least and well over four pounds, maybe five, the biggest smallmouth ever for me. He was almost docile as he let himself be reeled in close, and obligingly opened his mouth wide so I could grab his lower lip when he was near enough. I stuck my thumb in his mouth and was just about to grip down when .... WHAMMMM!!!!! the sunovabeach exploded with the biggest headshake yet, one he'd obviously learned from some battle-scarred veteran of the salmon river wars. He impaled me - the treble caught me deep in the thumb pad - one of the points on the same treble that had him hooked - and he did the headshake again, the sumbeach. I momentarily lost all affection for this critter. This little situation was about to be resolved...... perhaps drastically, but very very quickly.

 

Okay ... picture this ... a record, for me, smallmouth hanging by the lower lip from my left hand. My right thumb conjoined via a Rapala treble with said Bass's lip, and me bleeding and stomping around, slipping on rocks and cussing a blue streak, my recently-acquired Quantum (no discounts!!!) tucked tenuously up under my right armpit. So I'm out of hands here, and my thumb hurts .... bigtime, and the bass isn't exactly having fun either.

 

So what would you have done in my shoes ... uh ... waders?

 

Here's my solution .... it's the best I could come up with.

 

I could ... what? I couldn't drop him to get my knife out. Even if I could, what would I do with it? I suppose I could cut off my thumb, not! It sure seemed a shame to harm that beautiful bass after all that went into getting the two of us to that point in our lives, and I hated to do it, whatever "it" was because none of the options looked good for the bass, or me. Seems we had a standoff. He's running out of breath, (do fish run out of breath?) and I'm running out of blood. There was even a fleeting vision of me trying to drive my car to some help with a five pound bass attached to my thumb. My friend Rob, the artist, actually did that, with the hook, not the bass, just a few weeks ago.

 

I knew I had options ... all bad, but I frankly wasn't exactly sure what they were. I really didn't want to hurt the bass, no matter how pee-ohed I was at him. The hook was obviously up past the barb and well stuck into my thumb, at least from what I could see through the blood. I was doing my best not to do what I always want to do at the sight of my own blood in larger quantities than a mosquito can extract - puke, or faint, neither very manly options, not that anyome was there to see it.

 

I know it seems like this tale has gone on forever, and the bass must surely have gasped his last gasp by then, or I had bled out, but in fact what really happened was, I woke up.

 

You have no idea what a relief that was. The first waking thought that came to me was .. bass are out of season, dickhead.

 

So does that give you any idea of how much I'm looking forward to the bass opener. I'm gonna be out there at first light, primed and ready .... to shove a musky sized treble up that little bass butt so far he'll ..... never mind. I didn't mean that. I'll be good. I promise.

 

Wish I'd got some pics, but you know how it goes with dreams, eh?

 

JF

[HTHM]

Don't take your camera on bass opener, just write some more word pictures like this and we will be happy! It was like I was there, or not, when you woke up.

[SlowPoke]

John,

It's too bad you don't go fishing because you can write a helluva great report.

-Brian

[smbhunter]

That was awesome. Good job.

[Victor]

That was a great read for the morning Can't wait to see the "real" reports come!

[JohnF]

John,

It's too bad you don't go fishing because you can write a helluva great report.

-Brian

 

I go fishing. I just never catch anything but little bitty bass and sunfish. Fish hate me. They conspire to humiliate me. They mock me by spitting out my well-honed lures at my feet. Have you ever heard a fish laugh? They're nasty spiteful mean-spirited creatures at times.

 

That's why I go fishing alone so often - to avoid humiliation in front of my peers. The only entertaining fish stories I can recount are fictional ones, my dreams about what it might be like to really catch something. Perhaps I'll document my actual bass opener experiences and share them with y'all so you can understand the contempt fish have for me. I might even try to record their nasty snarky little bass laughter. The only consolation I get is that rare occasion when a laughing bass inhales some weedy water and chokes in mid-laugh. Then I get the last laugh on him. People worry about me then, cackling like a madman, up to my knees in dirty river water, holding my state of the art rod/reel combo, watching the nasty little beggar choke and gasp, reeling around in the stream, headbutting rocks and trees and with any kinda luck (for me) driving his little bald head smack into a concrete bridge abutment. That, sir, is the kind of satisfaction, and the only reward, I often get from fishing.

 

It hardly seems fair. I bend down my barbs, I practice safe C&R, I'm careful with the type of bait I use when other fish are in spawning mode - why do the durned fish hate me? I'm a lovable kinda guy. My Mom says so to everyone. I just don't get it.

 

JF

[JohnF]

That was a great read for the morning Can't wait to see the "real" reports come!

 

Me too, but you read what happened when I tried to catch a carp - nothing. Fish just don't respect me. I'm the Rodney Dangerfield of the fish world.

 

JF

[bpsbassman]

If you pick up the dream where you left off, please be sure to post the results. One of the best reports of what never happened.

[limeyangler]

that was...without a doubt...with no disrespect to others who post on here, the best post i have read in a long...long...long time

 

Thanks

 

Simon.

[Joey]

Jeez, you had me all the way there John. That was pretty funny.

 

Joey

[ccmtcanada]

I was thinking the same thing about you being a dickhead....LOL.

 

Awesome story John....and like someone else already said...that's the best report that never happened. I hope to read one just like it....minus the hook in your thumb, later this year.

[edmichit]

thanks, i needed a good story.

[wolfville]

Actually, a lot of reports may not have actually happened (exactly as written). JohnF is just being honest... and I think that's the reason he thinks he is catching less fish.

 

A good read, made up or real.

[JohnF]

Credit where credit is due. There are a number of great story tellers here in the group, each with their own style. The rest of you are fortunate in either being quality fisherpersons or adventuresome folk or both. Either way, you have something to tell. Me, I just wade the rivers and creeks, imagining what it would be like to hook into some of those trophies the rest of you actually catch. But imagining isn't the worst thing in the world, especially when it's inspired by excellent posts from Drew, 007, Solopaddler, Cliff & Bly, the Sweetener Team and so many others too numerous to list. It's just fun and I'm glad I could add a little fun to it.

 

I admit I was a tad alarmed when no one responded from the first 100 or so reads. I was trying to think of what I might have written to offend everyone, or had you just all decided that I was totally off the tracks.

 

JF

[ccmtcanada]

I admit I was a tad alarmed when no one responded from the first 100 or so reads. I was trying to think of what I might have written to offend everyone, or had you just all decided that I was totally off the tracks.

 

JF

 

I think some people didn't read it to the end and chose to bite their tongues about OOS fish. I have to admit though....you had me going there....hehe.

[JohnF]

I think some people didn't read it to the end and chose to bite their tongues about OOS fish. I have to admit though....you had me going there....hehe.

 

I figured the header would get someone's attention. It hadn't occurred to me they might not read enough to know I was kidding. So now there are at least 100 more people who think I'm a real dickhead for targeting OOS bass.

 

JF

[SlowPoke]

I go fishing. I just never catch anything but little bitty bass and sunfish. Fish hate me.

[Roy]

The subject line got my attention John. I just (till just now) decided to only open the thread after bass season had opened.

[JohnF]

 

So ya think I should develop a little fish mantra to whisper as I stand in the stream? I should become a real fish whisperer.

 

Do fish have little ears somewhere on their bodies? I'd hate to waste a lot of time whispering sweet nothings to the wrong orifice.

 

JF

[tbayboy]

Hehe great read John, thanks for the morning chuckle.

[ccmtcanada]

So ya think I should develop a little fish mantra to whisper as I stand in the stream? I should become a real fish whisperer.

 

Do fish have little ears somewhere on their bodies? I'd hate to waste a lot of time whispering sweet nothings to the wrong orifice.

 

JF

 

I talk to fish all the time....just ask Bly....that's where I got the title "Fish Whisperer" that's under my avatar. In shallow waters like tribs and areas very close to shore, I merely talk to the water. When fishing deeper waters it is necessary to hold the line and talk...the vibrations go all the way down the line so they can hear what your saying at deeper depths.

 

Now you KNOW that I'm crazy....LOL.

[ozaibak1]

Well written!

[wuchikubo]

I talk to fish all the time....just ask Bly....that's where I got the title "Fish Whisperer" that's under my avatar. In shallow waters like tribs and areas very close to shore, I merely talk to the water. When fishing deeper waters it is necessary to hold the line and talk...the vibrations go all the way down the line so they can hear what your saying at deeper depths.

 

Now you KNOW that I'm crazy....LOL.

 

Now Cliff, that's how you do it huh? I guess that great singing voice helps you because it sure doesn't work with my useless broken vinyl record voice of mine. Yeah, you know the kind of voice that sends people packing at the end of the night when there's Karaoke or like when my wife and kids tell me to be quite while trying to hum a tune in the car, LOL.

 

I guess I'll just have to record that anthem (and a great one at that) and then play it thru the braided line with a MP3 player.

 

Now to put the secret weapon to the test!

 

[JohnF]

I talk to fish all the time....just ask Bly....that's where I got the title "Fish Whisperer" that's under my avatar. In shallow waters like tribs and areas very close to shore, I merely talk to the water. When fishing deeper waters it is necessary to hold the line and talk...the vibrations go all the way down the line so they can hear what your saying at deeper depths.

 

Now you KNOW that I'm crazy....LOL.

 

So you have like a little tin can with a hole punched in the end slid over yer line?

 

And I gotta ask - Do the fish whisper when they answer?

 

JF

[misfish]

I have to say,that was as if I was reading a Farley Mowat book John.

Kept you hang,n on.

Thanks for sharing.

Yes everyone has thier own way of tell,n thier lies.LOL