Fishing Jokes

[nancur373]

I don't know if there is already a thread for this. If so remove it. Just a place to share a little fishing humor.

 

 

I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife...best trade I ever made.

[jonnybass]

Nice one.

[MoriaRiverMan]

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

 

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

 

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

 

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

 

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

 

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

 

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

Edited April 8, 2008 by MoriaRiverMan

[MoriaRiverMan]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[MoriaRiverMan]

A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?" The other man yells back,

 

"They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"

[MoriaRiverMan]

Edited April 9, 2008 by MoriaRiverMan

[MoriaRiverMan]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish."

 

"Pet fish?"

 

Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

 

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

 

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

 

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

 

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

 

"Well, what?" said the Cajun

 

"When are you going to call them back?"

 

"Call who back?"

 

"The FISH!"

 

"What fish?"

[Tarzan's Jane]

lol...good ones

[MoriaRiverMan]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house topick my things up. Oh Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas! like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[Daplumma]

Good ones bud,I like the cajun one a lot

Joe

Edited April 9, 2008 by Daplumma

[MoriaRiverMan]

18 Reasons why Fishing is better than Sex

 

 

18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..

17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

 

16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

 

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

 

14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago

 

13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

 

12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

 

11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

 

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

 

9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

 

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

 

7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

 

6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

 

5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

 

4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

 

3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

 

2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

 

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[trapshooter]

Hear about the one armed fisherman?

 

He caught a fish THIS big! (*Stick out one arm only!*)

 

Total cheese but I laughed at it...

[Greencoachdog]

Roy went fishing.

[nancur373]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

I've actually used that one...awesome!!!

[capt bruce]

Many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”

 

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

 

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

 

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.

 

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

 

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!”

 

“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”

[douG]

Hadn't heard that one before, Bruce. Sorta like the one about the identical twins Juan and Amahl - if you've seen Juan, ...

[Headhunter]

This is an oldy, but a goody!

A Newfie makes his first ever trip to the mainland. While there, he decides to take a walk about through a grocery store to see what wonderful things, these mainlanders can buy! As he walks past the meat section, he notices these things called sausages. Seems many people are buying these things, so he decides to buy some too and bring them back to the rock.

Upon arriving home, he gives the sausages to his wife and says. "honey, these are all the rage on the mainland, I'm going fishin and when I get back, I'll have those sausages for my supper."

So off he goes fishin and when he gets home he calls to his wife, "honey, I'll have those sausages now".

So he sits down at the dinner table and his wife brings in his plate and he looks at the prepared sausages and can only see a puddle of grease and some dried up crispy skin.

"honey, what the heck happened to my sausages?"

Wife, "well, once you cut the head and the tail off and gut 'em, there aint a whole lot left"

HH

[Bernie]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official,

'You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied...

'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt,

plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing;

all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

 

 

#2

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'

 

 

 

His wife was not amused. She decided she simply couldn't let such a comment go unanswered.

 

 

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??', he said to himself, startled at the little 'dust' cloud that appeared when he shook them out.

 

 

 

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my Underwear?'

 

 

 

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow.'

Edited April 9, 2008 by Bernie

[nancur373]

A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:

 

Talk about changing spots

Prepare another rod while one is out

Lay your rod down unsecured

Go for a sandwich

Start to pull the boat anchor

Use the worst fly you own

Crack open your first beer

Crack open your last beer

Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach

Watch others fishing

Start reeling in your lines at going home time

Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold

When your landing net is out of reach

When you have cast your line over an obstruction

When you line has drifted into impossible weeds

When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset

Decide that you need to take a leak

[nancur373]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

 

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

 

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[nancur373]

A blonde guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing. He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice.

 

Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 

The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again. Then he hears the voice again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 

Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up toward the sky and thinks to himself, "God, is that you?"

 

There is no answer, so he starts picking again. The voice bellowed again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 

Then the guy yells, "God, is that you?"

 

The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE ARENA."

[nancur373]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

 

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

 

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

 

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

 

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want."

 

And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are Steelheads in this river?"

[nancur373]

You might be a Fisherman if:

 

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.

2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.

3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".

4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.

5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.

6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".

7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.

8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.

9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.

10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.

11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.

12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.

13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.

14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.

15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.

16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[nancur373]

[grt1]

its nice to know they sell rulers by the 12 pack