Tarpus Minimus

[Clampet]

Wall, me an the missus headed out to the same spot on Lake Simcoe.

The wind was much stronger today, as some of you may know.

It was quite cold with the wind chill.

 

Anyhow, my pride of Tarpus Maximus took a beating.

A humbling experience.

 

I get the first pole in the ice, I begin to fasten the velcro straps to the pole.

After the pole is fastened, I begin to pull the tarp in the direction I want, to measure the distance to drill the hole for the next pole.

 

Visions of GreencoachDog laughing and saying

"Kite, me boy, your fashioning a kite!"

"Shut up"! I say, and pull determinedly on the tarp.

My eye catches a fleeting glimpse of the only pole at this point that is holding the tarp.

A sick feeling is making it's self at home in my stomach. It has it's feet up on the coffee table with the tv remote control. I do not like the C shape the pole is making from the shear force of the wind.

I ask the missus to please support the pole while I drill the hole for the next pole I hope will alleviate the pressure on the 1st one.

 

I get the 2nd pole in, and pull the tarp around it, and admire my effort.

The sick feeling in my stomach, is now raiding my fridge.

Now, not only is the 1st pole making like a letter that comes after B, but it has convinced the 2nd one do the same!

"Darn", I say out loud. "Proceed", I tell myself, after all, what choice do I have?

 

So, I get the third one in, get the tarp around it, and I hear this voice from the missus:

"Look what happened"!

 

I turn and....$%*@^..I see the two poles are lying on the ground, their bottom ends folded like they were made of cardboard.

 

My mind is racing.

Some little invisible troll is whispering in my ear, "Pack 'er up, go home, this is not going to work, why look at yer poles, they're ruined, go home".

The missus is looking at me, her eyes have that slightly widened look, and I can tell she was advising the troll. Probably while my back was turned drilling the hole fer the third pole.

 

Then I start to think. What now?

My 2 hours of physics training begin to kick in.

Visions of white clad scientists, rubbing their beards, in a clean room come to mind.

The head scientist, a well respect Harvard graduate summons the group to meet fer a "Round table".

"Gentlemen", he begins. The room falls silent. Someone clears their throat.

"We have a problem."

"Our Tarpus Maximus has sustained damage, caused by near gale force wind gusts."

The door to the meeting room closes.

A faint sound of loud conversation is heard for several minutes.

The door opens.

A buxom young lady in nice shoes approaches me. She is smiling.

In her hand she is holding an official looking document.

She hands it to me.

I open it.

In a font I am not familiar with, is the simple message:

Lower the poles, so that less wind can exert force on them.

 

Meanwhile the missus, is waiting patiently, expectantly you might say, waiting fer the command: "Ok lets go"!

To her utter dismay I announce < "Hold the damn tarp, I'm going to lower the poles".

 

So, I loosen the darn velcro, lower the poles to half mast, thinking how appropriate, the death of Tarpus Maximus.

I try to console myself, that it is only a temporary measure.

I tell that to the tarp. It stares back at me, coldly.

My fingers have a nice reddish pinkinsh hue. Pretty color I think, as I take a couple minutes to jam them in my mits.

 

So I get the darn tarp onto the poles. I have already named it "Tarpus Minimus".

I got three poles up, and I sit down, to gather my breath from all the exersion.

 

The missus is busy doing something. Probably trying to wave down passing sledders fer a ride out of this very private hell I created.

 

I feel this warm embrace, well I thought it was warm. Oh I think, the missus is impressed with my obvious skill as an outdoorsman, and rugged good looks.

 

The missus is standing off to my left. Her arms can't be that long I reason.

I look over my shoulder, and..............the poles are lying down again, the lazy bums.

My back is the only thing between it and extreme kite flying. The poles have elected to fold at the bottom again, due to the onslaught of the 60 km per hour breeze.

 

I think, wall, this might be a sign.

The missus looks at me knowingly. Three young virile looking gentlemen are waiting sitting on high powered race bred snowmobiles. One looks at the missus, a look of impatience on his face. I feign to reach in my non-existent wasteband for the proverbial Smith and Wesson. The testosterone boys rev up their machines, and in a swirl of powder take off and decide to look fer easier pickin's.

 

So, I summon the team of scientists, balh blah, they say:

Reverse the poles so that the smaller diameter end of the poles go into the ice, instead of the larger diameter of the pole, and maybe the structural integrity of the smaller diameter will sustain the tarp.

 

So , I loosen the velcro (again), warm the fingers, and remove the large end of the pole, and re-insert the inverted poles into the ice, re-fasten them with the velcro, add the other three poles in the same fashion. Everything is holding.

Got to make an ice fishing hole. Got one small Perch.

Arrived 12:45 on the ice. Got the tarp set-up by 2:08. Fished till 3:05, and left.

 

Here is the picture of Tarpus Minimus holding her own:

[troutologist]

An absolutely hilarious recount of the events. Prehaps an angled hole will reduce wind resistence on your structure. At least you toughed it out

[Mike the Pike]

That was a great story Paul you are such a great writer .All that sweat and swearing .At least you were not skunked .After all the tarp wrestling ;the reward one perch.I can't wait to hear what Greencoach dog will say. MTP

[Greencoachdog]

Sounds like you almost had a Kiteus Maximus day today! There are a few days in the year when it's almost not worth it to chase the denizens of the deep. ... but we really appreciate your time spent on the research and development of the Clampet windbrake. I have a feeling there is a "patent applied for" in your fyture!

 

Good report and pic!

[Rizzo]

oh man that is persistence...but you finally won! Funny how a smaller "pole" to plant was viewed as a good thing, gonna have to report that to my missus.

[John Bacon]

If I understand correctly, you attached the tarp to the first pole and then began to drills holes for the other four poles.

 

Wouldn't it make more sense to put all five poles up before attaching the tarp? That way when you do attached the tarp, the force is spread across five poles instead of one or two.

 

Thanks for doing all the hard work and keeping us informed of your progress. You will save the rest of us a lot of grief by showing us how to set it up properly before we head out.

[douG]

I wonder what would happen if you drilled the holes for your poles in a triangle shape, with the middle pole windward, and the other two spaced off at angles to the lee.

[danc]

I wonder what would happen if you drilled the holes for your poles in a triangle shape, with the middle pole windward, and the other two spaced off at angles to the lee.

 

 

And what if Lee happens to not go fishing with you that day?

[keram]

:worthy:

Now you know that inventor's life it's not easy , but very rewarding

[tipupesox]

You may also want to try the following in high wind situations: Tie some guide lines to your posts and tie them to tie downs (eye bolts) placed in the ice behind the wind break. You can even tie the guide ropes around a piece of 2x4 big enough to fit in an auger hole. Push the 2x4 in the hole and wedge it on hte backside of the hole. A number of guys do that with there temporary shelters so in the event they get out of them they don't blow down the lake. You may also need to look into stiffer poles made out of wood...........

[Clampet]

.. You may also need to look into stiffer poles made out of wood...........

 

The problem with wooden poles, is that the length I need (6 feet) for those moderately windy days, will not fit in my car, or fit in most sleighs. Besides, I bet the diameter of such a wooden pole that would withstand Winds of the 60Km / hour or more would be too large. I bet the broom handle size would have snapped. Hence the collapsible paint roller poles.

 

I dig your alternate support via guide lines onto ice screws.

[ccmtcanada]

LOL...great read!!!! I was laughing out loud in my office. Good on you to stick it out though...at least you caught something! Awaiting Tarpus Maximus - The extreme wind version soon!!!

[Roy]

The solution is so obvious. Use netting.

[tonyb]

Great read, had me laughing

 

BUT... That would drive me insane!!! LOL

 

 

Tony

[walleyejigger]

good stuff,

 

can't wait for the movie, i hear MR. Bean will be playing the main character

[b2kptbo]

can't wait for the movie, i hear MR. Bean will be playing the main character

[Kerry]

HaHa,

Great story Clampet!With all your trials and tribulations with your creation it may well be called 'TARPUS PERFECTUS' by the end of the season.

Meanwhile the new 'CLAM' just sits there taunting me and I've only been out once.Getting sick of workin in minus teens plus so I'm just going to enjoy your guys stories( keep 'em comin..I'm still cold!) and hope we see some warmer temps shortly.

Kerry

[Master of Bait]

HA! Sounds like a great tussle with the wind! Practice makes perfect. Then, when you get it fully worked out, you can patent it and let the less industrious types such as myself buy it at Bass Pro or Can Tire. Great read!

[Clampet]

Thanks fer the support (pun intended) fellers!

I do not beleive there is much to patent here, just a bunch of paint roller poles and some cheap fabrene held together with velcro.

 

However; I am working on a WIND DIFFUSER which incorporates 2 Violin strings and a Potentiometer hooked up to a a car exhaust muffler. So far all I get is a smelly off tone noise, but I swear I'm onto something.. Jethro has been heppin with his grade 6 education, so I feel success is around the corner.

Edited February 20, 2007 by Clampet