Taser gun... (NF)

[danc]

Got this a few days ago. Still chuckling. Men will be men....

 

"For years my wife has wondered why men do what they do - like lighting farts

- where did they ever get the idea? When we recently

purchased one of those electric fly swatters - all of the guys - still

no idea why - had to engage the unit and touch the electrified

mesh. They seemed surprised that it hurt. I gotta ask - how many brain

cells does it take to be an idiot.................Answer - as

many brain cells as a man has.............

 

Below is another example of why she doesn't understand men.

 

*Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! **

 

* Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who

purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary

submitted this:*

 

* Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I

was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

 

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate

time to retreat to safety....??

 

* WAY TOO COOL! *

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

 

Nothing! I was disappointed.

 

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it

against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

* AWESOME!!!*

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself

that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,

right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &

blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction

of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

 

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect

herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would

work as advertised.

 

* Am I wrong?**

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my

reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,

directions in one hand, and taser in another.

 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second

burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like

a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be

wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute

really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking

to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...?

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked

to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one

second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all

that bad.

 

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of

it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

*HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!**

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,

picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the

carpet, over and over and over again.

 

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously

in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a

taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second

burst when you zap yourself!

 

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second

burst would be considered conservative!

 

 

* SON-OF-A-B, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!*

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative

thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),

sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching.

 

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I sh_t myself, but was too numb to know for sure

and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

 

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return!!

 

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me

with it!*

 

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[HTHM]

I just sent this to my wife.

[lunkerbasshunter]

that is to funny!!!!!! i wonder how many of us here would have tried to zap ourselves?

 

Cheers

[Burtess]

This reminds me of the time I took apart a disposible camera with the flash, and messed around with the capacitor. I didn't crap myself though....

 

Burt

Edited February 9, 2009 by Spiel

[crappieperchhunter]

My morning coffee and a funny little story...perfect start for a Sunday morning. Thx for sharing Dan.

[GEO]

Bought two of them fly swatters .Dont play with them when your drinking with your friends they hurt LOL.

[Burtess]

Bought two of them fly swatters .Dont play with them when your drinking with your friends they hurt LOL.

 

This is true, taking them off the bare ass sure does sting The wives found it funny though...

 

Burt

[POLLIWOGG]

Buddy had to stick his finger in the flyswatter, that was cool but what if we change the capacitor, the next fly blew a hole through it.

[majorlifts]

Recently saw this video that demonstrates improper usage of self defense devices.

[Mike the Pike]

Now that was funny Dan thanks for the good read lol lol

[Greencoachdog]

That one's a classic Dan!!!

 

I grajeated the skool of hard nocks in '86!!!