A Bit of Hoser Humor eh!

[Greencoachdog]

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TOP 26 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A MARITIMER SAY

 

1.I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

2.Duct tape won't fix that.

3.Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

4.We don't keep firearms in this house.

5.You can't feed that to the dog.

6.No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe.

7.Wrasslin's fake." (for Sylvia A.K.A. Mrs. T. Richardson)

8.I'll have grapefruit instead of fried baloney.

9.Who's Jimmy Flynn?

10.Give me the small bag of dulse.

11.Moose heads detract from the decor.

12.Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

13.Trim the fat off that steak.

14.The tires on that truck are too big.

15.I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

16.I've got it all on a floppy disk.

17.Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

18.My fiancee is registered at Tiffany's. (Most of Allen's relative register at Mark's Work Wearhouse)

19.Checkmate.

20.Please, no more lobster.

21.Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

22.I don't have a favorite hockey team.

23.My truck will never make through that mud bog.

24.Rita who?"

25.I couldn't find a thing at Canadian Tire today.

26.Quebec is a Distinct Society !!!

 

 

With just a few word changes this list works for Rednecks too!... i.e, Jimmy Flynn to Jimmy Carter, Moose heads to Deer heads, lobster to fried catfish, hockey team to football team, Rita to Reba, Canadian tire to Wal-Mart, Quebec to California... what the hell is dulce???

 

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The Ant & The Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

THE END

 

The Ant & The Grasshopper

THE CANADIAN VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

 

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

 

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

 

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

 

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

 

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

 

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

[Clampet]

That's it mister, now you really crossed the line.

[Mike the Pike]

Glenn you haven't figured us canadians out yet so how often do you study our habits

[danc]

Good stuff Glenn..

[Greencoachdog]

Glenn you haven't figured us canadians out yet so how often do you study our habits

 

 

...TAKE OFF EH!!!

Edited November 2, 2008 by GCD

[jwl]

Well, I am just going to grab a seat on the couch and pull my touque over my eyes and pretend I didn't see that eh!

[bigugli]

OBviously you don't know enough about down east. Moose head is not an ornament it is a food staple. and although they be stuck with Rita and her miners, they pawned Ashley McIsaac off on NYC.

We don't eat fried baloney. We eats Newfie steak.

Edited November 2, 2008 by bigugli

[danbo]

 

What..no Molsons?

 

GOD made Canada so the Yanks could have something to Dream about!

Edited November 2, 2008 by danbo

[bigugli]

 

What..no Molsons?

 

 

Molsons is what the sissies drink down in the Maritimes

 

Real maritimers drink Keiths, Moosehead, Olands, Ten Penny and the old black rum

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MD0XihILQzk...feature=related

[danbo]

Ya, but "Hosers" is a gift from Ontariario!