For the handyman

[shane]

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

 

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds

off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

 

 

 

btw.......I didn't write this. I just cut and borrowed it for a while.

Edited March 28, 2008 by fireball

[silveradosheriff]

LOL!

[ccmtcanada]

LOL...these were hilarious!

 

I've done a few of the "projects" mentioned above...with about the same results.....

[Bernie]

Fireball, that is hilarious. Funny and true!

Sorry Cliff. Same adjective.

Edited March 28, 2008 by Bernie

[Matt C.]

Getting hit in the chest with the piece off the drill press... that's funny.... and the hacksaw one... perfect! LOL

[danbouck]

I'm forwarding that to everybody at the shop!

[douG]

Very nice, fireball, too true.

[huntervasili]

Loving the Hacksaw and welding gloves... Thanks for sharing!

[Greencoachdog]

Just because you see someone on Tv using a cool tool and getting remarkable results, doesn't mean you can go out and buy one and get the same results!

 

Start out practising with simple tools, a sledgehammer is a good tool to practice with for beginners... it will teach you respect for tools very quickly!!!

 

Don't mind the foot/leg cast... it'll come off in aboot 6 weeks.

[tapout]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

 

I had an incident at work just this week where I used my sawzall as a divining rod for ......you guessed it....water. And oh boy did I find water alright! Good thing the plumber was on site.