no one has any thursday humor

[capt bruce]

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're very bitter.

 

Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?

Because writers cramp but readers digest.

 

What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?

 

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

When do cannibals leave the table?

When everyone's eaten.

 

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?

He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

 

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

 

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?

A celebrity roast.

 

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?

Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

 

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?

Eatin' Allen's.

 

What do cannibals eat for dessert?

Chocolate covered aunts.

 

What is a cannibal's favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

 

What do cannibals make out of politicians?

Bologna sandwiches.

 

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

 

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

 

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."

 

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

 

 

 

--------------------

[irishfield]

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

 

 

[dsn]

I'm still sleeping..... By the way "Hi Captain Bruce."

 

 

DSN

[grt1]

those even had the wife laughing, really funny stuff.

[Syn]

 

 

 

And Then The Fight Started

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

----------

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

----------

 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

----------

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

----------

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

Hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on

Celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

----------

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

Order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

----------

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

Compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

----------

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

 

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

cream.

 

And then the fight started....

----------

 

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

----------

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

 

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

----------

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

----------

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

----------

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.

[Muskieman]

Truly Canadian

 

A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border.

 

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

 

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

 

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

 

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other."

 

"This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

 

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.

 

"Have a safe trip back to Ottawa"

 

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Ottawa ?"

 

The agent replied, "I recognized Stephen Harper in the middle."

 

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RFS