Twocoda Posted October 20, 2011 Report Posted October 20, 2011 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > HOW TO START A FIGHT: > xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > > One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas > gift... > > The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, > > "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" > > And that's how the fight started..... > _____________________________ > > My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in > bed. > > I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' > > 'No,' she answered. I then said, > > Is that your final answer?' > > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' > > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > > And that's when the fight started... > _____________________________ > > I took my wife to a restaurant. > > The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. > "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." > > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" > > "Nah, she can order for herself." > > And that's when the fight started...... > _______________________________ > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, > > and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at > a nearby table. > > I asked her, "Do you know him?" > > "Yes", she sighed, > > "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we > split up > > those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." > > "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that > long?" > > And then the fight started... > ________________________________ > > When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting > > to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else > to take care of first, > > the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. > > Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. > When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, > busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. > > I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. > > I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a > toothbrush. I said, > > "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." > > The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. > _____________________________ > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. > > She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 > seconds." > > I bought her a bathroom scale. > > And then the fight started...... > ____________________________ > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social > Security. > > The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my > age. > > I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. > > I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come > back later. > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. > > So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. > > She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she > processed my Social Security application. > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social > Security office. > > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten > disability too.' > > And then the fight started.... > ________________________________ > > My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. > > She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, > > "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a > compliment.' > > I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." > > And then the fight started......... > ________________________________ > > I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! > > The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! > > He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' > > So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' > > That's how the fight started........
Rizzo Posted October 20, 2011 Report Posted October 20, 2011 haha I'm glad my memory is bad. Although I've heard all those before I got to enjoy them again!
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