Some funny thoughts on a rainy day

[capt bruce]

CT scan done now Im waiting in line for mri , sad sad place Im at (Princess Margaret Hospital) Im old but to see the children , so so sad . At least theres a internet cafe on a small street behind hospital so I can at least view some fish porn at OFC . So here is some silly museing on a sad raining TO day ....

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still very high on the list.

 

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

 

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

 

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

 

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

 

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-witch.

 

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

 

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one out of 5 enjoys it?

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

 

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

 

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

 

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

 

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

 

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

 

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

 

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

 

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

 

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 

I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a witch.

 

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

 

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

 

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

 

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

 

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

 

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an excellent person.

 

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

 

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

 

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

 

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

 

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

 

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

 

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

 

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child

 

At last but not least (my fav)

 

"Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one".

 

 

Hope it helped out some peoples day , I know it did mine B

[Fisherman]

There's coffee snot on my keyboard at work, how do I explain that to the IT girl..

[crappieperchhunter]

Some real gems there Bruce. Thx for sharing. I was truly laughing out loud for several of them.

 

Hope your hospital visits are short and not very often.

[irishfield]

Bruce... keep an eye out for Jennifer.. she's in PM today having her PET Scan... !!

 

(edit - she's out 12:55 and going for food) Still in good spirits.. says "her problem is a unicorn it appears... PET scan.. get it!"

Edited November 18, 2010 by irishfield

[crappieperchhunter]

Thx again for the humor Bruce. I stole one for my signature