Redneck jokes (nf)

[danbo]

After living in the remote wilderness of Nakina all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

 

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

 

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly W i t ch he’s runnin’ around with.”

Edited May 5, 2008 by danbo

[danbo]

An attractive woman from Toronto was driving through a remote part of Abitibi when her car broke down. An Ojibway Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!” and rode off.

 

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

 

“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

 

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”

[danbo]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

 

"And?" asked the doctor.

 

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"

[danbo]

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.

 

“Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!”

 

“Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?”

 

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

[danbo]

A man walks into his doctor’s office after having taken several tests to learn the results. The doctor asks the man to sit down.

 

“I have some bad news for you, Mr. Phillips. I am afraid that you have cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.”

 

The man replies, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

[danbo]

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into Lake Ontario..

 

Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat.

Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

 

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s playing me."

 

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Centre Island ferry."

[danbo]

An old Irishman walks into a Hamilton bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods "Aye", so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

 

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

 

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

 

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

 

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

 

Just then the redneck yells, "Don’t touch me! I’m on ODSP!"

[danbo]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”

 

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

 

Muldoon replied, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why din’t ye tell me the dog was Catholic?!?”

[danbo]

A Sunday-school teacher asked her class the question: “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”

 

Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

 

“And why is that, Suzie?” asked the teacher.

 

Suzie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!”

 

“What a wonderful answer!” the teacher said.

 

Now Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Teacher, I think it’s your legs.” The teacher looked at him warily. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”

 

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, ‘Oh, God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t had her pinned down, we’d have lost her for sure!”

[Greencoachdog]

Good ones Dan!!!

[Marko]

hahah

LIke the last one the best.

Nothing like a good laughter on monday morning.

[johnnyb]

:D :D