Saturday Afternoon Humour NF

[bushart]

Chili Contest

 

 

 

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for

 

you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

 

the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

 

those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

 

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It

 

takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

 

 

 

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

 

from Springfield, IL.

 

 

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

 

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

 

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to

 

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

 

two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

 

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

 

accepted".

 

 

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

 

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy poop, what the hell is this stuff? You could

 

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

 

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

 

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

 

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

 

the look on my face.

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

 

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

 

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

 

the front part of my chest. I'm getting poop-faced from all of the beer.

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

 

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

 

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was

 

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to

 

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

 

considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

 

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

 

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

 

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

 

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

 

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

 

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

Screw those rednecks.

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

 

and peppers.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

 

Superb.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

 

sulfuric flames. I poop on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

 

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

 

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

 

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

 

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

 

uncontrollably.

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

 

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

 

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

 

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

 

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

 

decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

 

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

 

in my stomach.

 

 

 

 

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 

 

 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

 

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

 

 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

 

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

 

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

 

if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

 

really hot chili?

 

 

 

Judge # 3 -- .... No Report

[gone_fishin]

by far the funniest thing i've read in a long time... i had tears in my eyes i was laughing so hard.

 

thanks for posting that!

[silveradosheriff]

Holy crap - that is funny!!!

[douG]

"I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. "

 

That is funny.

[gone_fishin]

"I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway."

 

That is GOLD!!!