Joke Time

[danbo]

The Drunk

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door.

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

 

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

 

'Did you help him?' she asks.

 

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

 

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

 

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

 

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

 

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

 

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Greencoachdog]

HA!!!

[danbo]

You Might Be A Redneck If...

 

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

 

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

 

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

 

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

 

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

 

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

 

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

 

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

 

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

 

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

 

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

 

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

 

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

 

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

 

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

 

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

 

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

 

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

 

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

 

Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

 

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

 

You think genitalia is an Italian airline.

 

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

 

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.

 

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

 

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

 

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

 

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

[silveradosheriff]

Very funny!!!

[danbo]

Musical Interlude.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FRtkek-Et4...feature=related

[danbo]

Little Dave is in school. He's about nine. one day, his best mate Tom says to him, "hey Dave, guess what! I made 10 dollars! want to know how?" Of course Dave wants to know how.

 

"well, I just went up to my mother, looked at her and said, "I know everything! " and she gave me the money!"

 

That afternoon, Dave goes home, and says to his mum, 'I know everything!' His mother looks at him for a minute, gives him ten dollars, pats him on the head, and says, 'Don't tell anyone.' Dave's stoked. he runs over to his dad in the garage; "I know everything!" His father looks at him, gives him $20 and tells him the same thing; Don't tell anybody.

 

the kid is overjoyed that it worked so well. he runs outside, and sees the postman, and says to him, "I know everything!"

 

 

The postman gives him the a big smile and says, 'well come give your daddy a hug!'