~~Slight change to the Office Christmas Party

[oldphart]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1

RE: Annual Office Christmas Party

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party

will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the

private function room at the Grill House. There will be

a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band

playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And

don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa

Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange

of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,

no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts

easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for

employees! A special announcement will be made by our

CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2

RE: Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our

Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an

important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,

though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on

we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy

applies to any other employees who are not Christians or

those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will

be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics

Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't

sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,

but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you

wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to

handle this? Somebody?

 

Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since

the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and

executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT

EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

Patty

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December

20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids

eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the

party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this

time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving

your meal until the end of the party or else package every-

thing for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work?

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to

sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women

will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed

to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay

men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a

flower arrangement for the gay men's table. However, to the

person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing

allowed. We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot

control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people

with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh

fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply

"No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

 

Patty

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All darn Employees

DATE: December 10

RE: The darn Holiday Party

 

Vegetarians!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to

keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or

not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the

"grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get

your darn salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you

know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you

slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream

right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive

drunk and die, you hear me?

 

The bugger from HELL!

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a

speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards

to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel

our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the

23rd off with full pay.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

PS: HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!!

[oldphart]

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

 

 

 

 

 

It was about time for Christmas, and all through the house

A creature was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse

I knew right away it was my wife's little pup,

She thought we were sleeping, and so she was up.

 

The dog was a gift it was coercion, really,

A woman can pout, 'til a man gets downright silly.

And now the wife was snoozing she was really sacked out

She wouldn't have awoke from less than a shout.

 

Yes, her in her nightgown, I in my BVDs,

We had finally settled down to catch some Zs

When off in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,

I rolled from the bed to see what was the matter.

 

Away down the hall, my head in a muddle,

I reached the kitchen...and stepped in a puddle.

The glow from a nightlight illuminated the room,

So how come I stumbled over the broom?

 

I fell in a sprawl, my legs were not stable.

On the way down, my nose hit the table.

My head was a spinnin' and when I came to rest

Four miniature dog feet stood on my chest.

 

With a lick and a bark, she bounded away,

Into the living room, she ran to play.

More rapid than mouses, that rat terrier ran,

Me on the follow, rolled newspaper in hand.

 

"Stop, Skeeter! Stop, Dog! Stop, Pup!

Halt, Pooch! Halt, Girl! Oh, come'ere, you mutt!

"Get off the new couch! Now let go of that curtain!

Ohhh...If I ever catch you, you're gonna' be hurtin'"

 

As winds of a Texas tornado do fly,

She spun round the room, down low and up high.

Then up on the countertop, that puppy went

She stopped for a second. I thought she was spent.

 

I make a quick lunge, she ducked me and then

Yawned when I dove through the flour bin.

As I drew out my head and was turning around,

She made for the presents, in a single bound.

 

I was covered with flour, from my head to my toes,

My robe in tatters, and blood on my nose.

A bag full of toys, she grabbed with glee

I nabbed her, I thought, but instead got the tree.

 

The ornaments, they broke, as they began to fall

The lights, how they fizzled, and that is not all.

When I reached for the plug, to turn the bulbs out,

What flowed through my body, but electricity, so stout!

 

As smoke encircled my head like a wreath,

That dog held my big toe, tight in her teeth.

"Skeeter," I moaned, "I give up. Oh, Skeet, I give in."

So she bit my swollen nose, and nipped at my chin.

 

She spoke not a word, but went back to work,

Down came the stockings it took just a jerk.

Then up from the hall, came the sound of feet,

Momma, it seemed was awake from her sleep.

 

"Now you'll get it pup," I announced with glee.

Then Skeeter walked over and put her little head on my knee.

She looked up at my wife - so innocent - and at me, so, so sad.

And it didn't take long, to know I'd been had.

 

Then came the wife's voice, so strong and so clear,

"Bill, you leave that puppy alone! You hear!"

And I exclaimed to myself, as they walked out with a strut,

"Don't leave any gifts, Santa just PICK UP THE MUTT!"

[oldphart]

Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookie:

 

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tsp lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo 1800 Tequilla or equiv

 

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large

bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the

highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

 

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter

in a large fluffy bowl.

 

Add one teaspoon of sugar... Beat again. At this

point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK,

try another cup... just in case.

 

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to

the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick

the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If

the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry

it loose with a drewscriver.

 

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

 

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who

giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift

the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can

find. Greash the oven.

 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,

throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose

Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the

dishwasher.

 

CHERRY MISTMAS

Edited December 16, 2011 by oldphart

[Big Cliff]

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

 

 

 

 

 

It was about time for Christmas, and all through the house

A creature was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse

I knew right away it was my wife's little pup,

She thought we were sleeping, and so she was up.

 

The dog was a gift it was coercion, really,

A woman can pout, 'til a man gets downright silly.

And now the wife was snoozing she was really sacked out

She wouldn't have awoke from less than a shout.

 

Yes, her in her nightgown, I in my BVDs,

We had finally settled down to catch some Zs

When off in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,

I rolled from the bed to see what was the matter.

 

Away down the hall, my head in a muddle,

I reached the kitchen...and stepped in a puddle.

The glow from a nightlight illuminated the room,

So how come I stumbled over the broom?

 

I fell in a sprawl, my legs were not stable.

On the way down, my nose hit the table.

My head was a spinnin' and when I came to rest

Four miniature dog feet stood on my chest.

 

With a lick and a bark, she bounded away,

Into the living room, she ran to play.

More rapid than mouses, that rat terrier ran,

Me on the follow, rolled newspaper in hand.

 

"Stop, Skeeter! Stop, Dog! Stop, Pup!

Halt, Pooch! Halt, Girl! Oh, come'ere, you mutt!

"Get off the new couch! Now let go of that curtain!

Ohhh...If I ever catch you, you're gonna' be hurtin'"

 

As winds of a Texas tornado do fly,

She spun round the room, down low and up high.

Then up on the countertop, that puppy went

She stopped for a second. I thought she was spent.

 

I make a quick lunge, she ducked me and then

Yawned when I dove through the flour bin.

As I drew out my head and was turning around,

She made for the presents, in a single bound.

 

I was covered with flour, from my head to my toes,

My robe in tatters, and blood on my nose.

A bag full of toys, she grabbed with glee

I nabbed her, I thought, but instead got the tree.

 

The ornaments, they broke, as they began to fall

The lights, how they fizzled, and that is not all.

When I reached for the plug, to turn the bulbs out,

What flowed through my body, but electricity, so stout!

 

As smoke encircled my head like a wreath,

That dog held my big toe, tight in her teeth.

"Skeeter," I moaned, "I give up. Oh, Skeet, I give in."

So she bit my swollen nose, and nipped at my chin.

 

She spoke not a word, but went back to work,

Down came the stockings it took just a jerk.

Then up from the hall, came the sound of feet,

Momma, it seemed was awake from her sleep.

 

"Now you'll get it pup," I announced with glee.

Then Skeeter walked over and put her little head on my knee.

She looked up at my wife - so innocent - and at me, so, so sad.

And it didn't take long, to know I'd been had.

 

Then came the wife's voice, so strong and so clear,

"Bill, you leave that puppy alone! You hear!"

And I exclaimed to myself, as they walked out with a strut,

"Don't leave any gifts, Santa just PICK UP THE MUTT!"

 

Sounds just like my house, I'm laughing so hard there are tears running down my face. This little beagle pup of ours is so full of fun and mischief it sounds just like a normal day around here.

 

Thanks for the laugh.

[mercman]

I really needed that laff!!!Thanks for giving me a chuckle.

 

Merry Christmas !!