(NF) ANYONE WHO"S BEEN TO SEA WILL FIND THIS AMUSING

[BITEME]

HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME.

 

1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks and discarded one out of five.

 

2. Surround yourself with 250 people you don’t like i.e. people who smoke, flatulate loudly, fragrantly, and often, snore like a Mack truck going up hill, and use foul language the way a child uses sugar on cereal.

 

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have TIME or NEWSWEEK from two months ago and a PLAYBOY with all the pictures torn out.

 

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all pertinent info (i.e.-what’s plugged in, what lights are on, what doors are open etc. If not used recently, cover with tags labeled DANGER.

 

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of forty people using the same washroom at once. After that flush once daily.

 

6. Lock the bathroom door twice a day for a four-hour period.

 

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, once each week clean and press your dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes and then change into your normal uniform.

 

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep sheerer.

 

9. Work 18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares whether it is day or night.

 

10. Listen to your favorite cassette six times every day for two weeks; then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite cassette.

 

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of the bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in an upright position. Now place it on a platform so that it is about four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal underneath it to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

 

12. Set your alarm to go off at ten minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times that watch keepers bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours Make use of a custom alarm clock that will duplicate the sound of the action alarm.

 

13. Have week old fruit and veggies delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

 

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded, using all the spices you can get your hands on or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in less than three minutes.

 

15. Periodically shut off all the power and run around shouting “Fire,Fire,Fire” several times. Do this until you lose your voice and then restore the power.

 

16. At least once a month force the commode to overflow into the bathroom to simulate a Hull Tech boo-boo.

 

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day, especially in the bathroom.

 

18.Study the owner’s manuals for all your household appliances, and regularly take them apart and put them back together again.

 

19. Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

 

20. Buy 50 cases of rolled cardboard (fake toilet paper) and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one is always wet.

 

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained on Navy vessels.

 

22.When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for about six days or until hard and stale whichever comes first.

 

23. Every 10 weeks simulate leave in a foreign port. Go directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place and ask for the most expensive imported beer they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home using the longest possible route. Tip the cabbie after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

 

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after going on leave.

 

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 5C and use only one blanket.

 

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a ratio varying from a fast drip and a weak trickle with the temperature alternating rapidly between 1C and 95C

[lew]

HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME.

 

16. At least once a month force the commode to overflow into the bathroom to simulate a Hull Tech boo-boo.

 

Hey Peter, us Hull Tech's NEVER made boo-boo's

[BITEME]

I seem to recall the term &hitter Fitter

[Tacklebuster]

Watch re-runs of Captain Highliner commercials, "Have you ever been to sea Billy?", I must be getting old.

Edited August 22, 2007 by Tackle Buster