Health Advice to Help Start The New Year Off Right

[oldphart]

Health Advice to Help Start The New Year Off Right

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.

Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not

make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life

of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay

and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing

more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your

system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of

field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you

100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

 

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As

we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three

categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer

and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of

elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a

burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one

to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench

press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air

up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though

if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,

you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No

Pain.

 

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.

If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record

time.

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables

be bad for you?

 

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

trying to live a longer and healthier life...