Joke of the day.

[Old Ironmaker]

Another forum I'm on has this. Up to 300 pages. I don't get them all, some are lame, some cute and many hilarious. A great way to start a day with a good yoke. Do you have one?

One of my faves.

A guy goes out with the boys and gets hammered, he pisses his pants, again. He tells the guys, "My wife is going to kill me, I pissed myself, again!." His buddy says " No problem Pal. Put a 20 buck bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that some drunk pissed on you and gave you a 20 to cover the cleaning bill." "Great idea."  he says and heads home. She greats him and flips out because he has done it again. He says " Honey it wasn't me, some guy pissed on me and gave me a 20 for cleaning." She reaches in his pocket and pulls out 2 20's not 1. "Why 2 20's you drunken fool?" " I can explain that no problem Dear, he crapped in my pants too!" 

Edited August 18, 2019 by Old Ironmaker

[misfish]

55 minutes ago, Old Ironmaker said:

I don't get them all, some are lame

[Cast-Away]

This will be fun!

One of my favourites:

Prime Minister Jean Chretien was meeting with officials in Flin Flon. It was a very hot day and the ceremonies took place outside in a local grandstand. The Mayor was surprised to see that Chretien was wearing a large fox fur hat, despite the heat.

After a while the mayor leaned over and spoke up. "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I can't help wondering why you are wearing that fox hat when it is so warm?"

Chretien shrugged. "Well, you know 'ow it is", he replied. "My wife, she is da dresser in da family, so I always take 'er advice.

If I go to de Maritime, she say 'Wear da toque'.

If I go to Calgaree, she say 'Wear da stetson'.

Dis time she ask me where I go; I say Flin Flon.

She say 'Flin Flon! Where da fox hat ??'

So I did!"

 

Edited August 19, 2019 by Cast-Away

[lew]

19 minutes ago, Cast-Away said:

 

 

She say 'Flin Flon! Where da fox hat ?

I must be getting slow in my old(er) age, I had to read that twice before I got it LOL

Good one !!

[Old Ironmaker]

My joke of the day. Or at least I borrowed it. 

A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.

The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”

The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”

The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.

[AKRISONER]

7 hours ago, Cast-Away said:

This will be fun!

One of my favourites:

Prime Minister Jean Chretien was meeting with officials in Flin Flon. It was a very hot day and the ceremonies took place outside in a local grandstand. The Mayor was surprised to see that Chretien was wearing a large fox fur hat, despite the heat.

After a while the mayor leaned over and spoke up. "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I can't help wondering why you are wearing that fox hat when it is so warm?"

Chretien shrugged. "Well, you know 'ow it is", he replied. "My wife, she is da dresser in da family, so I always take 'er advice.

If I go to de Maritime, she say 'Wear da toque'.

If I go to Calgaree, she say 'Wear da stetson'.

Dis time she ask me where I go; I say Flin Flon.

She say 'Flin Flon! Where da fox hat ??'

So I did!"

 

being a flin flonner this one especially made me laugh hahaha!

[npt1]

The man of the house is feeling  "frisky"  ,  so he says to his wife,

I read that having sex is equal to running 6 miles.

Wife says,  that's impossible,  no one can run 6 miles in 30 seconds...

[Headhunter]

Justin Trudeau was struck by lightning and killed. The coroner was called to view the body at the morgue.

They opened the hatch, pulled the body out and pulled back the cover.

"I thought he was struck by lightning by lightning" said the coroner, "so why is he smiling?"

"He thought he was having his picture taken", said the attendant.

HH

[Cast-Away]

7 hours ago, Old Ironmaker said:

My joke of the day. Or at least I borrowed it. 

A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.

The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”

The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”

The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.

I love it!

[Old Ironmaker]

1 hour ago, Cast-Away said:

I love it!

It made the rounds today. My wife told me she got some giggles at work this afternoon. One reason I like joke of the day is I can never remember a good joke. Nothing worse than wasting peoples time telling a joke and you can't remember the punch line. It's exactly how you feel if you are on stage and can't remember your line. But if I read it in the morning I can remember it for a few hours anyway. 

[Cast-Away]

16 hours ago, AKRISONER said:

being a flin flonner this one especially made me laugh hahaha!

That makes the joke even more funny that you are from there!

[HTHM]

On a planet far far away, there lived a race of aliens called the Trids. On this planet there was a mountain, and atop the mountain was a tree which hosted the most delicious fruit known the the Trid race. But there was a problem: there was a cave near the top that was home to a monster, and every time the trids tried to climb to the top of the mountain, the monster would run out and kick them all back down.

The trids became tired of this, and so they contacted Earth to ask for help. Earth didn't find this to be that big of a problem as they were at war and dealing with many different things, so they sent over a rabbi. The Trids were happy to have any help they could get, and so they gladly accepted.

The rabbi arrived and wanted to get straight to business, calling all of the Trids to the base of the mountain. A lot of them were too frightened, so only some showed up. The rabi led the Trids most of the way up the mountain, only to have the monster come out and kick all of the Trids down but not the rabbi. Frustrated, the rabbi went to the Trid village and told them that in order to get to the top, they would all have to show up and work together.

The next day more Trids showed up, but not all of them were there. The rabbi sighed, leading them up to have the monster once again kick down all of the trids, but leave him standing. The rabbi went back to the Trid village and told them that if every single last Trid wasn't in attendence the following day, he would return to Earth without helping them.

The next day, every single Trid was there. The rabbi smiled and started leading the Trids up the mountain, this time quite confident that they would make it all the way up. But as usual, the monster ran out of his cave and managed to kick every single Trid back down the mountain, once again leaving the rabbi standing. The rabbi went to the monster's cave and asked "Monster, why do you only ever kick down the trids, but always leave me standing?" To which the monster replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

[Terry]

4 minutes ago, HTHM said:

 "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

bet I have told that joke hundreds of time

[Headhunter]

Newfie goes to the mainland for the first time in his life (Sorry Brian!). He walks into a grocery store and walks around in amazement at all the stuff he could buy there.

Heads to the meat section and see's people buying these things called "sausages". Having never had such a thing and being all the range on the mainland, he decides to buy a pack and take them back to the rock.

The next day he tells his wife, honey I bought these "sauce-ages" on the mainland, they seem to be all the rage. I'm going out fishing, but when I get back, I'd like to try those "sauce-ages for dinner. Off he trots out the door.

He comes home from fishing, sits down at the table and his wife drops the cooked "sauce-ages" down in front of him. He looks at the "sauce-ages" and there is nothing there but a pile of skin and a puddle of grease. He asks his wife "what happened to my "sauce-ages"? Wife replies "well, once you cut the head off and gut 'em, there's not a whole lot left!"

HH

 

[Old Ironmaker]

1 hour ago, HTHM said:

On a planet far far away, there lived a race of aliens called the Trids. On this planet there was a mountain, and atop the mountain was a tree which hosted the most delicious fruit known the the Trid race. But there was a problem: there was a cave near the top that was home to a monster, and every time the trids tried to climb to the top of the mountain, the monster would run out and kick them all back down.

The trids became tired of this, and so they contacted Earth to ask for help. Earth didn't find this to be that big of a problem as they were at war and dealing with many different things, so they sent over a rabbi. The Trids were happy to have any help they could get, and so they gladly accepted.

The rabbi arrived and wanted to get straight to business, calling all of the Trids to the base of the mountain. A lot of them were too frightened, so only some showed up. The rabi led the Trids most of the way up the mountain, only to have the monster come out and kick all of the Trids down but not the rabbi. Frustrated, the rabbi went to the Trid village and told them that in order to get to the top, they would all have to show up and work together.

The next day more Trids showed up, but not all of them were there. The rabbi sighed, leading them up to have the monster once again kick down all of the trids, but leave him standing. The rabbi went back to the Trid village and told them that if every single last Trid wasn't in attendence the following day, he would return to Earth without helping them.

The next day, every single Trid was there. The rabbi smiled and started leading the Trids up the mountain, this time quite confident that they would make it all the way up. But as usual, the monster ran out of his cave and managed to kick every single Trid back down the mountain, once again leaving the rabbi standing. The rabbi went to the monster's cave and asked "Monster, why do you only ever kick down the trids, but always leave me standing?" To which the monster replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

Say it ain't so that I let you do that to me, you, you, you………..

[Old Ironmaker]

2 hours ago, Headhunter said:

Newfie goes to the mainland for the first time in his life (Sorry Brian!). He walks into a grocery store and walks around in amazement at all the stuff he could buy there.

Heads to the meat section and see's people buying these things called "sausages". Having never had such a thing and being all the range on the mainland, he decides to buy a pack and take them back to the rock.

The next day he tells his wife, honey I bought these "sauce-ages" on the mainland, they seem to be all the rage. I'm going out fishing, but when I get back, I'd like to try those "sauce-ages for dinner. Off he trots out the door.

He comes home from fishing, sits down at the table and his wife drops the cooked "sauce-ages" down in front of him. He looks at the "sauce-ages" and there is nothing there but a pile of skin and a puddle of grease. He asks his wife "what happened to my "sauce-ages"? Wife replies "well, once you cut the head off and gut 'em, there's not a whole lot left!"

HH

 

Haaaaa! Going to the other website, thanks. It's a US site, they don't know what a Newfie is, I better be careful. Maybe an Oki from Muskoki? 

[Old Ironmaker]

I like this one. 

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

[Cast-Away]

This guy is standing at the bar when a rather large woman walks up to him and asks for his number. He replies by asking if she has a pen? She says yes and he replies back that she better get back to it before the farmer finds her missing!

[Reef Runner]

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited…

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.

“What fish?” the man asked.

Edited August 21, 2019 by Reef Runner

[AKRISONER]

35 minutes ago, Reef Runner said:

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited…

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.

“What fish?” the man asked.

that was originally told by king billy coke bottle 

 

[SirCranksalot]

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. 
I’ll let you know.

[misfish]

On 8/20/2019 at 9:54 AM, Headhunter said:

Newfie goes to the mainland for the first time in his life (Sorry Brian!). He walks into a grocery store and walks around in amazement at all the stuff he could buy there.

Heads to the meat section and see's people buying these things called "sausages". Having never had such a thing and being all the range on the mainland, he decides to buy a pack and take them back to the rock.

The next day he tells his wife, honey I bought these "sauce-ages" on the mainland, they seem to be all the rage. I'm going out fishing, but when I get back, I'd like to try those "sauce-ages for dinner. Off he trots out the door.

He comes home from fishing, sits down at the table and his wife drops the cooked "sauce-ages" down in front of him. He looks at the "sauce-ages" and there is nothing there but a pile of skin and a puddle of grease. He asks his wife "what happened to my "sauce-ages"? Wife replies "well, once you cut the head off and gut 'em, there's not a whole lot left!"

HH

 

Water off a ducks back Joe, Quack. LOL

[grimsbylander]

Three dogs and their owners are sitting in the waiting room at the vets office. First dog says to the second one, “What are you here for?” to which the second dog replied “every time I get too excited I pee all over my owners carpet”. “So Im here to be neutered!” “You?”

The first dog answers back, “Every time the mailman comes to the front door I go nuts and try to attack him.” “So unfortunately I’m here to neutered too!!!”

They both look at the third dog and ask, “What about you?” 

“Well, it’s embarrassing but every time my owner bends over to pick something up, I jump her from behind!!! I can’t help it!!!!”

”Wow” says the first two dogs. “I guess you’re here to be neutered too right???” To which the third dog replied, “No, I’m getting my nails trimmed”. 

[SirCranksalot]

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. 
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.

"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.