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How not to win friends


SirCranksalot
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During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t do due to past experiences). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “sweetie I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room, I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in from of a garbage dump. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifted to the other leg, I ripped off three more. I thought for a minute that I had crapped myself! The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic ass bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it back on my lap and folded my hands back on the table feeling very relieved and pleased with myself for my “tactical discharge”. My face must have been the picture of innocence, when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured her that I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and thirteen dinner guests seated around the table with their hands to the noses, chorused: “Happy Birthday”…

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